#2 WHO THE F*CK ARE WE? - Part 2
Welcome back to Spill the Tea with Beau & Kirsty! We're diving right back in with more unfiltered stories. This time, Kirsty takes the spotlight, sharing her raw journey through addiction, family struggles, domestic violence, and the path to healing and self-discovery. Get ready for the kind of bold truth-telling that defines Spill the Tea with Beau & Kirsty!
00:43 - 07:42 Embracing the Breathwork Transformation: Beau continues the conversation on breathwork, discussing its power in enhancing his mental clarity and well-being. He shares his journey of getting started with group sessions and workshops, revealing how this practice became a vital tool in his life
07:42 - 12:48 Who the F* is Kirsty?: Kirsty opens up about her early years, growing up in a small town, and the struggles of fitting in. She reflects on the bullying and peer pressure she faced, along with her first encounters with alcohol at age 13, showing us just how tough those years were.
12:48 - 24:05 Alcohol, Peer Pressure, and a Pivotal Night: Kirsty shares her journey with alcohol, sneaking drinks as a young teen, and a near-fatal party incident at age 14 that marked a turning point. It’s a glimpse into how quickly things spiraled and the lasting impact of that night.
24:05 - 35:40 Moving Out and Living on the Edge: Kirsty dives into her rebellious years, moving out at 16, getting evicted, and finding her footing at Mount Cook. But independence brought its own challenges—she got caught up in gambling, drinking, and eventually addiction. This part of her journey is marked by hospital visits, a struggle with Valium, and a downward spiral that nearly broke her.
35:40 - 42:14 Hitting Rock Bottom and Getting Help: Kirsty shares the lowest moments of her life, where addiction had taken full control. After showing up on her mom's doorstep, she knew she needed help. From the waiting list to rehab to the painful reality of withdrawal, she faced six weeks of grueling recovery. Rehab marked the start of a hard road to healing
42:14 - 01:05:23 Challenges That Came After Rehab: Even after rehab, life wasn't easy. Kirsty found herself in a toxic relationship clouded by gaslighting and control. But when her baby was born, she found the strength to walk away, determined to protect herself and her child. It’s a powerful story of resilience and new beginnings.
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Transcript
Speaker 1
So after doing breathwork, I was like, wow. Like there was so much change. Like he said, there was already so much change. So I went home and I read books, I had podcasts, I did everything, and I'm like.
::Speaker 2
What the fuck just happened to me?
::Speaker 1
What the fuck? Google sought me out. Like, I get the whole spirituality side of it and the culture side and the energy side of breathwork where, you know, people go into like either kind of Laney or lazy ology or Reiki and all those sorts of stuff and the chakras, which I'm a firm believer on. But I had to know scientifically what the fuck happened to my brain, my body, and my nervous system.
::Speaker 1
So I did a lot of research, and then I started performing breathwork myself. And, I started doing a daily practice and sitting on the end of my bed and feeling like whether it was like emotions for like some slow breathwork or, you know, manifesting, like seeing my life. So I was working on the mind. So every morning I was up at 2 a.m., I was working out, I was going to the gym, which you got me to do.
::Speaker 1
And I always say this because we're talking about without clients and I would wait. And we made success on my zoom. Everyone was procrastinating. They'd go either in a business or starting a business, and they kept falling behind. gave them exactly the bullet proof plan on how to move through that. And for me, I didn't want to get up at 2:00.
::Speaker 1
3:00. I'm like, I'm tired, I'm tired, I get that. Yeah. And then, you were like, all right, you're on my case for ages because you were working away on the rig oil rig, and you were like, up every morning and you're doing skin. So my obsess, getting, like, fit is really productive. You're doing all this stuff. We started believe label, which we'll get into.
::Speaker 1
But the clothing brand. But you were like.
::Speaker 2
Yo, get up in the morning.
::Speaker 1
Just get up and just go. And then I'm like, my ego finally went, you know what? I'm just going to do this speech says, and I'm going to fucking do it, which I was telling.
::Speaker 2
And then I'm going to tell you how much it was shit. And I hated it.
::Speaker 1
Yep. And I was literally telling, I cost this yesterday. And I was like, you know what? I'm just going to do it. And you said, oh, I just do a flat one week, one week of like getting up early and I'm like, afternoon gym, right? I'm finishing work. You have to be. And most of the time, you know, you finish work and you tired and you just want to go like eight and go to bed.
::Speaker 1
So you know, and I'm like, all right, whatever. So I went the first day tired as fuck. Hated it. I absolutely hate it.
::Speaker 2
And I was doing it was slow. It was.
::Speaker 1
Slow work. Fucking work sucked. I was like not. And my second or third day I felt a bit better. I'm like, this is quiet, like a people, you know, thing. And then there was this like really good feeling where like, you just feel like you're in the world together. So weird.
::Speaker 2
I call it magic hour. Like magic in three. It's like a magical hour.
::Speaker 1
It's just quiet, isn't it?
::Speaker 2
Animals or animals go to sleep and you feel above the world.
::Speaker 1
Like you feel ahead.
::Speaker 2
You feel ahead. You feel powerful. You feel centered. You feel connected to the life force. Is it something super magical? And especially when you're super charging that with breathwork and daily practice and you are sitting there and everything else is just mind numbingly quiet.
::Speaker 1
There's nothing like walking into work and everyone dragging their feet in half asleep with the coffee, with your eyes closed. And I mean, they're like bouncing. Like, I've already done breathwork training. I've done read a page of a book or like whatever. So yeah. So after about the third or fourth day, I was like this, I was addicted.
::Speaker 1
So then incorporating my breathwork, getting up, I was excited about breathwork. Like it's like, you know, some people therapy is a gym, which is like amazing. studies now in Australia showing that, you know, you get more out of physical exercise than you do psycho talk therapy, which is like, you know, all the chemicals in the muscles, movement, energy, you know, oxygen, brain chemicals.
::Speaker 1
So really good to get walking and moving. And I was feeling good. And on top of that, adding in breathwork like I can unstoppable. So sitting in my office say I'm leaving my room with like my work bag in the morning, just like so pumped for life and everything's positive and happy and high vibrational. It's like. It's like the best antidepressant ever.
::Speaker 1
::Speaker 2
100%. And we all know this. Like, deep down, if we strip back everything, just go back to fucking basics.
::Speaker 1
I know.
::Speaker 2
Breathing, exercise, nutrition. And you.
::Speaker 1
Go down, I go down this Google rabbit hole of.
::Speaker 2
Trying to find all the answers.
::Speaker 1
But the medications, doctors therapy and you're like, all I needed was sunlight. Water.
::Speaker 2
Simple. Like we have literally over complicated life and living. And if we just simplified life like the game changes, just go back to basics.
::Speaker 1
Exactly. Right. So yeah, I, was away at work loving it. And then I started practicing breathwork on my time off back with my family. and, you know, getting more and more into it and you didn't really get it, and you're like, how the fuck is breathing helping you? And it's a load of shit. You just on this fan?
::Speaker 1
Yeah. Sad thing. And,
::Speaker 2
I was not full of breath. Right, guys? Oh.
::Speaker 1
Yeah. And, so, yeah, I had these ideas. I wanted to run these workshops. I was doing one on ones, and, you know, I said, I remember even going, hey, I'm going to, you know, hire this, like, big luxury Airbnb and run this dress walking in New York. Where are we gonna get the money? What the fucking like?
::Speaker 1
You got your triggers coming up from, like, you know, partners, you know, you you've made your own money.
::Speaker 2
And you guys, he wanted to leave his morning job. I've had a baby. I've left my offshore career. Everything that I've worked so hard for, for him to do is hobby, like, fuck off. And we'll literally having fights because he was like, I'm not happy at the mines. I want to do this. You're holding me back on what you give a fuck if you're happy.
::Speaker 2
Like, do you think I was happy for ten years offshore as a single mom? Like I was doing what I had to do. Plus I had businesses. So my thing was like, get the fuck out. Work and do your.
::Speaker 1
Job and your, your relationship with money and, things like that is like, he has to, you know, give you a time of money and you have to be there. You have.
::Speaker 2
To work with.
::Speaker 1
It. And because of your trauma and your triggers with your ex-partners, you've had to leave.
::Speaker 2
I can never land a man. And it's like I never love men. And so for me, back then, like, we're going off like, here you go again.
::Speaker 1
So I was the first relationship, really that you were in where you stepped away from a career to have a baby at. How old?
::Speaker 2
Me I think 37.
::Speaker 1
So like 37 years old. And then all your stuff is coming out, which is what we're going to talk about next. And, you know, so we sat in brother and I and then you went downhill because you had Harvey and you went still and stagnant and you weren't working. You had no career for once in your life. You were so career driven.
::Speaker 2
Which I would later find out was just a new trauma response to not deal with my shit. So, you know, I've had every addiction you can possibly think of. And then work became the new addiction and I just yeah, I never knew that until I had Harvey and my whole world came crashing down.
::Speaker 1
Well, let's let's go on. Your story goes. I've been told for a long time, but, you know me leading up to doing breathwork, you know, going viral on social media, running these big events, online programs, anything like that, which, which will definitely get into, I really want to go back to, like, who is Kirsty?
::Speaker 1
Who the fuck is Kirsty? where? Let's start from the beginning. Like, where? Where are you from?
::Speaker 2
was was a small country town,: ::Speaker 2
it was very much like, you know, a lot of tomboys. I, you know, I'd grow up in a Catholic school, which was just all white people. So I had actually never really seen Mary's. And then I moved to Twizzle. And, you know, there was a lot of Mary's, like, knit, like most of my friends from back home, you know, Mary's, you know, and I just, I just a whole nother culture.
::Speaker 2
And then I remember that, like, you know, my, my brother went to Kohanga, you know, like, it was just such exercises that Kohanga is like, you know, our preschool, but, you know, it's it's just all, you know, like Mary's and it's.
::Speaker 1
All.
::Speaker 2
Culture, as you said.
::Speaker 1
Kohanga is that like an area?
::Speaker 2
No, no, it's a like a it's called like, you know, preschool. It's kohanga, you know, type thing.
::Speaker 1
like for little kids.
::Speaker 2
Yeah. Yeah. so I went there and so, you know, I.
::Speaker 1
Was out there.
::Speaker 2
Yeah. For the Kiwis. Yep. Yeah. And, you know, so I truly blessed. now looking back on, you know, being in twas all very multicultural and, you know, I mean, but, you know, skipping forward a little bit from there. I remember when I was with Carson's dad and he's in a photo, of me and a guy that was with and he was like, I'm like.
::Speaker 2
And he was really racist. And, he said to me, oh my God, like you're with the Mary. Yeah. I was like, oh, yeah, I guess I was, because at a completely I didn't see anyone as color, I think seen us all as one, you know. And so for me, I was like, oh.
::Speaker 1
See, and I.
::Speaker 2
Try, you know, and yeah. So it so wasn't my thing because like, you know, I was I'd when I was around, you know, a whole lot of different multi cultures, you know, and like it's quite funny because my, my house we used to have a fence between my neighbors and, and us and we used to kick the, we cut to of the little wood plate things out so you could just walk through to each other and kids.
::Speaker 2
Yeah. Kids like they we're all my friends and I grew up and that's quite crazy because, like, you know, some of my family actually in Perth now, which is absolutely insane. But yeah, so I grew up in, Twizzle, and it wasn't any small country town.
::Speaker 1
Lots of snow, right?
::Speaker 2
Lots of snow. Yes, yes, yes. The cold. That's why I had the cold. I don't know how the fuck I did it, to be honest. Like I when I came to there, I was like, yes, I like I think I always meant to be born in Australia. They fucked up like I got sent to the wrong house. as a a fetus, you know, like I was.
::Speaker 2
I was meant to be in Australia. Oh, sorry. Oh.
::Speaker 1
Yeah.
::Speaker 2
Obviously I looked at the fucking catalog. I was meant to be fucking going to, you know, Tahiti or something. And, Or is it not entirely, I hope.
::Speaker 1
This is the real chesty.
::Speaker 2
And, Funny. Yeah. And so then I was. Yeah. Was it was a small country town, and it really was a place that if you if you didn't fit in, like, your life would probably be not that great at school. And it was very much a very.
::Speaker 1
Yeah. That's everywhere. Right?
::Speaker 2
Yeah. Everywhere. But I think like, very pressure. It's a lot more pressure when it's a small country town because you can't go to other groups, you know, like that's it.
::Speaker 1
You can't just make schools.
::Speaker 2
You can't just go, yeah.
::Speaker 1
Like okay.
::Speaker 2
Yeah, yeah. So, so and so like I was literally from year one to year 12 was the whole year, like everyone went to the same school. There was no other school.
::Speaker 1
If you like shit your parents and year three.
::Speaker 2
You're.
::Speaker 1
Fucked. You kind of school.
::Speaker 2
You're gonna get away. You're going to have to move fucking towns, you know, like. And so, you know, and I've always found that, you know, I was always quite popular. I always, you know, I was around the I was always the cool person, always the crazy stuff first. But I was also really good to everybody that wasn't popular.
::Speaker 2
And it's always been me. You know, I've always said that everybody deserves to stay at the top. You know? I've always wanted people to rise together. I've wanted that from a very, very young age. and I think that definitely showcases in my work that I do now. but yes, I'm very young age, you know, then I found love and alcohol and what?
::Speaker 2
I was 13 when I first started drinking and went.
::Speaker 1
Can I ask who's like, I'm going to ask you some shit. Yeah. On here that we haven't talked about. I don't want this to be real. like where who did you start taking alcohol from? Parents or, like, other kids drinking? Like, what was the influence?
::Speaker 2
I think. And I'm always like to hang out with older kids, so like, you know, so when I was sort of 13, 14, I was hanging out with like, you know, the 15, 16 year olds, so, you know, they were already into that. I was actually stealing alcohol from my parents liquor cabinet. So my parents had a really awesome liquor cabinet.
::Speaker 2
but they didn't drink that much, you know? And so it's quite funny because years later, when this all came out, I used to like. So, for instance, Midori, I would, drink it, and then I'd fill it back out water and add green food coloring so I can say.
::Speaker 1
Yeah, I did the exact same thing I just have. I told you that?
::Speaker 2
No. But I think, like.
::Speaker 1
Mum and dad had the green maturity thing. It's melon.
::Speaker 2
Flavor. Yeah. Melon flavor.
::Speaker 1
Yeah. Do you know what? I still smell that. I remember once we got drunk before school. Yeah, mom and dad don't listen to this. Yeah. And, we we went to school drunk, and everyone met at my house because my parents used to go work really early, so we, like, you know. Yeah. but that's crazy. Like, always did the same thing and filled up with water and.
::Speaker 2
Ice and.
::Speaker 1
Maybe.
::Speaker 2
Yeah, like. Yeah. And I did that with my parents at home.
::Speaker 1
And it's.
::Speaker 2
Funny, what was funny because my, my parents were like, such didn't drain that much that I brought this at like about ten years ago. And I was like, what the fuck? Like, I still have this Midori bottle. So you're telling me there's no alcohol in me? I was like, you know, like, you know, like, how funny is that?
::Speaker 2
You know? and so, yeah, I did. I started drinking, and going to school with my. I drank bottles of alcohol, and I just, I think purely. And this was around 14. Yeah, around 13, 14. I just did it to be cool, like, it's, you know, like, I, I always I've always been a leader. I've never been a follower.
::Speaker 2
Like, if I got in trouble, it was me. Anyone followed me. I've always been a leader like that. So I started drinking and stuff for that. And then, at 14 years old, I went to a party. I snuck into homes. I was staying at home all the time, and and I went to a party, and my drink was white with Detroit at Vitamins and Realm.
::Speaker 1
And can we just, like, explain what day is.
::Speaker 2
I don't really know myself. I think I'll.
::Speaker 1
Ask you this.
::Speaker 2
Yeah, it's it's, hallucinogenic.
::Speaker 1
I think it's from a local plant.
::Speaker 2
Right. It's like a poppy, I think. I have no idea, to be honest. Like it just nature. I feel amazing is what I knew that was in my drink in the end. Because there was, I was it could have toxicology, blood tests, like, you know, blood tested of blood tests and, you know, it came back. And so, you know, this guy had actually, like, walked me home.
::Speaker 2
And long story short, like, I'd be dead today if this wasn't for this moment. So I and I never knew this, but my dad used to come in and check on me, before he went to work. And on Saturday, he was going to work, and he came in and I wasn't in my room. And so at 7 a.m., I was in my room.
::Speaker 2
And when I woke up, mom said, fuck, I don't know what to tell you about because it's not in the house. Have gone over to look for a fuck and, she does. What the fuck do you mean? Like, got up? Mom had no idea what I was doing. Mom literally thought she's been abducted. Her feelings were literally like, someone has come in to the house and taken my child.
::Speaker 2
Not for one second. Cursed, sneaking out and going to parties.
::Speaker 1
Can I just say like, well, we'll talk about you as a mother, but like, you're very paranoid. Stressed, like you can't even be around how you eat food for choking. And things have happened. But I've never really thought about this. But just then, you know what your mum would have felt right. And I reckon that's somewhat like, you know, you're you freak out about Harvey staying in a room that he's not in with us.
::Speaker 1
And like, we, we can't stop, says the downstairs or vice versa. Yeah. And that's really funny, because that unconscious mind takes you back to the way that that made your mum feel.
::Speaker 2
Yeah.
::Speaker 1
And you went in the house. I cannot that is your ultimate fear. Waking up and Harvey's not there.
::Speaker 2
Yeah. Right. And And you know, it's crazy. I didn't even think about that.
::Speaker 1
I didn't think about that into just any.
::Speaker 2
No, no. And you know what my I always I mean my mum signed to me. So I'll get to or I'll get to this point first. So I got home from that night and there was place at my house, my mom and dad and.
::Speaker 1
You fucked up.
::Speaker 2
I was, I wasn't, I was just, no emotion. And my mom was going, all right, so my mom was going off of me, and my mom's looking at me and thinking, this is fucking not usual. Like she would be crying, like, you know, I was a crier. And, she grabbed my hair. I had that to my hair.
::Speaker 2
And she goes, yeah, I'm gonna cut your fucking plats off. I was like, all right. And then she goes, what's your name? said my name as most emotional because I haven't talked about this for many, many years, you know? And, and then she, like, asked me my date of birth, and I couldn't. I had no idea what my date of birth was.
::Speaker 2
And then she was, like, not saying things not right, you know, mother intuition. And again, I haven't told about this long. I feel like I'm gonna cry, you know? And, Yeah. And then. And then. Yeah, she was just like, you know, something's not right. And I lived in a small country town, like I said. So the closest hospital is like 2.5 hours away.
::Speaker 1
And they didn't have that.
::Speaker 2
They have a doctor, but they don't have a hospital. And so my mom run the cops and said, look, this is not right. Hey, guys. She's drunk. And he goes, she's not drunk. I can only just smell the alcohol in a breath. Something's not right. I know my daughter to your mom.
::Speaker 1
No. Okay. Where are you drinking at this time?
::Speaker 2
I don't know, but. But my mom's not my breath, and she's like. I can only just smell. The alcohol is not drunk.
::Speaker 1
So she's thinking.
::Speaker 2
She knows something's not right. So she rang the doctor, and the doctor was in Philly, which is an hour and a half away. He never takes time off. And he happened to be not. And so. And, she was like silent. Right. I know it's not right. My daughter within probably 20 minutes of my mom calling the doctor and holding the doctor, I had literally collapsed.
::Speaker 2
and my tongue rolled back and I was going blue. And so, the doctor, they get off the phone right now, call the ambulance. It's like something like something's not right, obviously. And, so they call the ambulance. Why do I come home from work? You know, and it's crazy because I don't know. Still, to this day, if the memories I have from that day are real or put together because I'm unconscious now.
::Speaker 1
Because of them.
::Speaker 2
But I can see my dad coming in the door. I can I can see my mom around me. But you.
::Speaker 1
Could have created.
::Speaker 2
A yes. I don't I don't know if that's even real life now, you know, like, because I'm unconscious, you know? And so the Hamlin's comes. they wouldn't let my mom in the back of the ambulance, and I said, you need to call everybody. I don't think she's going to make it. And, like, again, like emotional, like, I haven't spoken about this for like, years, you know, and, you know, as a mom now.
::Speaker 2
So, like, my biggest fear, you know.
::Speaker 1
It's this shit.
::Speaker 2
Is. Yeah, it it's my kids. And, you know, it's been really, for me. And I think that's probably the hardest thing for me is that, I'm sorry I wrote it for my kids. You know, I.
::Speaker 1
Can because of.
::Speaker 2
That. Yeah, and I don't, And it is crazy because I never I've. No, I've been emotional about this day, you know? So, probably makes a lot of sense now.
::Speaker 1
You know, it was just clicked before that, that this is the reason why you, with Harvey choking your tongue, rolling.
::Speaker 2
Back with Carson and Noah, like, don't like, you know, I'm pretty sure my kids always have been. You know, I wasn't gonna say, you know, my kid's a horror show.
::Speaker 1
Anyone who doesn't really know us on the side of personal life, of, around everything else we do, the Kirstie doesn't come the theme parks or water parks or anything like that, because no one has a good time.
::Speaker 2
Yeah, because I'm so scared.
::Speaker 1
I can't go down slides without having, like, near, panic.
::Speaker 2
Minute near, panic attack and and I and I think I've got.
::Speaker 1
Worse and we all laugh about it, but it really does affect you.
::Speaker 2
Hundred percent. And so yeah, I'm in the back of the ambulance. zero morning. Did your live. I had only one son. I was one, and I hanging on by a thread. my mom was in the front of the ambulance and they said, you you call your immediate family? I don't think she's going to make it. And, so they all got to the hospital, and then, I started to slowly come over.
::Speaker 2
They put charcoal in me, and then I had to, like I had to drink charcoal. Yeah. I'm sorry. I was in a coma. Then I kind of got. Yeah. I had to, like, drink the charcoal and, Yeah, I had no idea what was going on. I just woke up. And it's crazy because also, probably why I'm scared.
::Speaker 2
Drowning. Which is another thing we know that was going on. Again, don't know if this is something that my mind fabricated and made up, but I was obviously unconscious. I was getting resuscitated when I when I came out of it, I had bruises all over my chest and I tried to resuscitate me. I had bruises on my fingers, but they tried to, like, turn punch to get a, a pulse and like, you know, try and get some reaction out of the body.
::Speaker 2
so I was like, black and purple on my chest. and that time I thought that I drowned because I was in, like, for ten or for, which is a twizzle, like where we always hang out. And, when I was just about did, I was trying to get up to breathe, and I could see the light above, which I thought was like the light do like the, the the, the top of the light to get up, to breathe.
::Speaker 2
and as I was drawing, I was getting pulled right down and I was drowning. And so when I came out, like, I actually thought I had drowned, I had no idea that this had gone on. and then that was really sort of everything going wrong for me that that was the start when, I didn't care about anyone anymore.
::Speaker 2
I had.
::Speaker 1
Lost the trust in the.
::Speaker 2
Lord. I had lost my trust in the world, lost community. And so my my parents over, like, were completely over controlling this with my mom. why wouldn't you be? You almost lost your child, you know? So now I felt very stuck. You know, I'm 14 years old. I remember my mom always saying to me, like, you know, I used to come in and, feel your hand just to see if your lives.
::Speaker 2
Wow. You know, because her, she remembers me lying on the floor, almost dead and cold, stone cold. So she used to come into my room, and I was just, like, just a feel that I had blood in my head, you know? And that's how. Why I'm so over protective of one of my kids, like, you know, or some.
::Speaker 1
Healing to be done there.
::Speaker 2
Yeah. You know, and I don't even really think that this was like, an issue. You know, I haven't to talk about this, like, and such.
::Speaker 1
And then the body reacts.
::Speaker 2
Yeah, 100%. Like I'm literally shaking, you know, and I feel cold, you know, like it's my body is completely relived this moment that I'm just in right now. yeah. So from then everything really went downhill. depression came in. I, my mom didn't trust me, you know, I couldn't go out anywhere. I wasn't allowed to go to parties in our lives.
::Speaker 1
Scared?
::Speaker 2
She was scared. either controlling everyone to her life. To everyone to her. Like we live in as well. Like I said, everyone. Yeah, everyone knew about it. But also, everyone knew that was sneaking out. And they would tell my mom, you know? So parents actually knew that I was sneaking out and no one said how your daughter's sneaking out.
::Speaker 2
So now my mom feels betrayed.
::Speaker 1
Oh no way.
::Speaker 2
Yes, I know it. My mom's going to own like you. Could have prevented my child from dying, you know? So she now got her own set of problems and issues with the town we're living in and that, you know, like, my child could have died. But if someone had told me that she was saying, yeah, I might have been able to prevent that.
::Speaker 2
So she felt robbed, you know. So then I felt robbed. And then it's a vicious cycle, right? I don't trust no one. Mom doesn't trust anyone. I can't leave the house. I feel controlled and stock, you know, and so depression, stalking and all that kind of thing. So, you know, fast forward a few years from that, then my drinking really took control.
::Speaker 2
at 16, I moved at a home. I've always been the first to do everything. First, I drank for seven. Overdose first, a fucking move at a house, you know? so I actually moved out of my house, into my mom's rental. Hilarious story. I was actually the only person to get fucking evicted from the rental.
::Speaker 2
Like they actually said. I was literally their worst tenant.
::Speaker 1
I'm parents.
::Speaker 2
Yeah. So, like, I cops around there all the time, like, fucking turn on the music and, like, you know, I always got no one notices from sounds and stuff like that. You know, like we always had blasting music, always getting complaints, and, I wouldn't leave the house. And then eventually my mom and dad got the place to remove me and get evicted.
::Speaker 2
And, you know, it's crazy because I'm so blessed. My kids are nothing like me. and and I think that's because, yeah, like, I just obviously parent is very, very different. And I think I gave my kids a lot of freedom, but didn't you know what I mean? Like, they were allowed to have they didn't have that many rules.
::Speaker 2
But I also like Castle wasn't even allowed to take a try and was about 15 years old, you know, so whereas his friends would reign at him so.
::Speaker 1
And all kids need different.
::Speaker 2
I know kids need different things. Yeah, different parenting and things like that. So, yeah, that I moved out of that house and I moved to Mount Cook, and I used to work in Mount Cook now, and Mount Cook. it was literally people come from all over the world to go and work there and, potty, you know, like, it was awesome.
::Speaker 2
You lived there, you worked there, you made your money, your money went back into the pot because you spent all your money on alcohol. And then, I also took out gambling, like so. Yeah. So this is when I started to gamble. There was poker machines in the pub, and people used to think I was fucking magnetic because I literally won jackpots.
::Speaker 2
Biggest win over and over again. Well, you know, it was around about $750. Like they weren't like thousands. It was $750 with jackpots and maybe up to $1,000. But, yeah, I used to win jackpots all the time. And I actually got so cunning. I actually worked in the cafe in Mount Cook, and the bus drivers would come and tour busses would come in with, you know, all the all the Asians would come, you know.
::Speaker 2
So it was a massive, massive thing like, yeah, busses and busses. That was our main way of making money. Yeah. You know, I would tourist draw a tourist place and they would come in and I'd machine in my cafe, I'd wait for them, they would fill up the parking machine. I would then wait for them to go, and I would go and play the machines.
::Speaker 2
And when jackpots I would always pay top bit.
::Speaker 1
I guess when you still put cash in.
::Speaker 2
Yeah, like coins, $2 coins and dollar coins. And I really felt like I, I knew how to win the jackpot. It was always like paid top dollar was total was the for your bet. And yeah, I used to win and a lot. And then I got into lots of trouble with drinking and I started having seizures. So, I had ulcers and, you know, I started having seizures and I was drinking and all that kind of stuff.
::Speaker 2
So, one night I got really, really drunk. I saw it. My bosses have found out sort of a little bit about me having, like, you know, seizures and overdoses and things like that. And they stopped me from drinking. They bought me. And she actually came from a beautiful place. She was actually an alcoholic, and she didn't want me to be anything like her.
::Speaker 2
And they really took me under their wing.
::Speaker 1
And they said, the owners, they.
::Speaker 2
Are the owners of Mount Cook, Hermitage, where I used to work at the hotel. And, they actually offered.
::Speaker 1
Sorry on just Mount Cook's like, like a ski resort, sort of.
::Speaker 2
No, no, Mal cook is just a mountain Mount cook. And it's like, you know, there's a hotel there. You get to see the mountain, and it's just a touristy place to just come. And there's.
::Speaker 1
Snowboarding.
::Speaker 2
And skiing. You do have you go up into the mountains, but not at Mount Cook like where I was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you got like Franz Joseph where you do, like heli boarding. So I was more like, really wanting to drop up in a helicopter. Yeah, yeah. Shit. And, you know, the crazy thing is, like, back then, I didn't appreciate that because I was a I was big on my partying and drinking, so, you know, so I didn't do any of that stuff.
::Speaker 2
but, yeah, that really took me under the wing, and they, offered to pay me, pay for me to go to rehab, which was $10,000 for four days. Wow. And, yeah, it was a really incredible deal. rehab.
::Speaker 1
How did that make you feel?
::Speaker 2
Well, I know, because I.
::Speaker 1
I'm not strangers, but people want to know.
::Speaker 2
Good. I know that you want to be a nice, happy story.
::Speaker 1
No, I want the truth.
::Speaker 2
Yeah. No, I hated it. I felt controlled here again. I can't fucking do it. I want, like, how do you think you are? You know, asking.
::Speaker 1
That crazy right?
::Speaker 2
Yeah. I had no appreciation whatsoever. Although the disgruntled.
::Speaker 1
Looking back at.
::Speaker 2
It, I was I was 19 years old. Disgruntled, angry, fucked of the world.
::Speaker 1
Similar to me, right?
::Speaker 2
Yeah. And someone to, you know, what my son's going through at the moment. My nine year old, you know, like, I was extremely fucking negative. And, I really like the world's against me, you know, no accountability from my actions. Well, it's everyone else's fault. so, yeah, I just was not not a thing at all. so they said to me, hey, look, you know, we're going to do this.
::Speaker 2
They got me in contact with the doctor and the doctor at the rehab said, look, you can just take off the alcohol because she will probably have a sober seizure. Now, just put into context, by this time, this age, I was actually 18.5, I think, I was drinking anywhere up to two, 1.25l of vodka a day, a day.
::Speaker 2
And, and then when I went out, I would drink Zamboanga shots. And the reason I got flagged at the pub was because I had ten shots and I was so normal and the like, she must be on drugs because no one can literally hold that much alcohol. And I was like, yeah, I can. And I was a closet drinker.
::Speaker 2
Like, no one really knew how bad it was.
::Speaker 1
And you know, it's funny, like, you don't drink anymore.
::Speaker 2
I don't know, because I'm just.
::Speaker 1
Like, I struggle to get you to have, like, a wine or cocktail with me in Bali. Yeah.
::Speaker 2
No, I'm like, I'll have 1 or 2 and then that's this. That's it. Now and then, you know, and this is probably why, you know. Yeah. So the doctor said you can't take care of the alcohol straight away. We're going to put on Valium.
::Speaker 1
Yeah of course.
::Speaker 2
Yeah. Right. So he gave me Valium to get off the alcohol. So I went to have a sober seizure and I was like, okay. And I remember the day I had my first Valium and I was like, fuck yeah, I'll give up alcohol. This is amazing.
::Speaker 1
Yeah.
::Speaker 2
And I was like, fuck, I'm going to get prescribe this.
::Speaker 1
To.
::Speaker 2
A doctor. A doctor's giving me this feelgood medication. Fuck yeah. I'm going to give up alcohol. I'll do whatever you say. So I started down the pills and then unfortunately, because it wasn't enough to counteract for the alcohol that I was having, I had a seizure and my liver hemorrhaged. And my bosses tell me at the back in the cafe, unconscious.
::Speaker 1
I mean, you're completely off alcohol at this point.
::Speaker 2
I was completely off alcohol, unconscious. and blood. And you're like, Holy shit, what the fuck's going on? So, got an ambulance to, to temporary hospital, which is about an hour and a half away to hours.
::Speaker 1
And you're addicted to the real at this point? No.
::Speaker 2
No, I'm about to get to this, so, I've, it's only been 3 or 4 days. Right on Valium.
::Speaker 1
I.
::Speaker 2
Had the head soldier because I was enough to counteract for the alcohol.
::Speaker 1
Well, they say that, the withdrawal of alcohol is the worst I can. You can. Your body can know.
::Speaker 2
I'm going to. I'm going to. Yeah, exactly. Because they're glucose. That's why the body is used to not having the glucose in the sugar.
::Speaker 1
And this spike.
::Speaker 2
And the spiking.
::Speaker 1
Actually shut.
::Speaker 2
You 100% because that's what's happening. So, I went to Henry. They call my parents and I. And I believe is actually on my mum's anniversary. So my mum was like, she's going to die this time. This is so my mum's living in Christchurch, so she's have to drive three hours to tomorrow, driving two hours to tomorrow.
::Speaker 2
So we're in different directions. Then meet me there and I'm oblivious and all. My mum, it's okay. Like it's different this time. I've got appendicitis. Now. I don't know if I actually fucking believed I had a penis size or if I've just made this fabricated story up again. I have really no idea how this come about. So mom's like, oh, okay, okay, cool.
::Speaker 2
It's not drugs and alcohol. All right. I can handle this.
::Speaker 1
And it's different because it's prescribed jobs. It's prescribed drugs. So you don't. It's like I wasn't I wasn't drinking, right. You're sneaky.
::Speaker 2
For sure. For sure. So anyway, I'm in hospital, and now, like, there's talking about, you know, the drugs that I'll call. sorry, the talking about, you know, what's going on. And mum's like, hey, when is she going to surgery? And, she's like, what do you know about surgery? What was she going to surgery for? And she's like, my daughter's got appendicitis.
::Speaker 2
And she's like, I don't think you know what's going on. The daughter and then my mum sort of freak out, what the fuck's going on? Someone else comes in. My mom's friends said, like, can we just get a doctor in here so I can tell what's going on with your daughter? The doctor came in now to Maria Hospital.
::Speaker 2
Had probably seen me 10 or 12 times. Now with overdoses, with seizures, alcohol induced things. I had an off. Like I was a local at this fucking hospital. They hated me. They came in and he goes, you want to know what's wrong with your daughter? She's a full blown alcoholic. She keeps going away. She's going to be dead within three months.
::Speaker 2
Her liver shutting down. She's got ulcers. Just stomach. Stomach ulcers. Like she's not in a good place. And then I was just like, fucking fuck you, blah, blah. Like, you know, again, anger with road. Shut the fuck up. I decided to run, you know, like I was rude as fuck. You know, it's crazy because that's not the person I am now, right?
::Speaker 2
But it's all these things that made me the person I am now.
::Speaker 1
I she comes out from time to time.
::Speaker 2
She does. She does the chores on me, comes out. Don't worry.
::Speaker 1
I'm going to class. The message today. The message today that we put on a story yeah I Instagram. Yeah, that's me. Me asking what's going on. Yeah. Like you fucking. Yeah that's that's twice. Okay.
::Speaker 2
So that was all. So then, they asked for my Valium dosage and my mum begged right then, and they're placed on dry this place, I'm put on Valium. You're just swapping addictions, like, you know, like this is I need her to, like, come clean and, play. So I play. So I'm doing this, like, I'm just baking.
::Speaker 2
You just swapping addictions. And through this time, I spent a seven days in hospital detoxing off alcohol and in and out of sober stages, in and out. My body was completely fighting for his life, and I got out and I was fully addicted to Valium. And I now become very, very cunning. So I lived in Mount Cook, which is 45 minutes away from.
::Speaker 2
So the we only have one doctor and chemist there. I would literally ring my doctor and say, I need to prescribe a prescription for Valium, and I'm not going to make it to the doctor on time. Could you please just do me a script and send it to the chemist? Because a chemist is like an a little bit longer than the doctor.
::Speaker 2
So I could go and get my Valium. And I became cunning and he was sort of it was okay with it. So I just started picking up my Valium.
::Speaker 1
Then it's also a long time ago, you know.
::Speaker 2
Oh, 100%. And then, then I had then I started when I went to Christchurch, I had 2 or 3 doctors, 2 or 3 prescriptions, and I was picking them up from other chemists. So it's crazy all the.
::Speaker 1
Reason why there's so many.
::Speaker 2
Like stops now. Yeah. And yeah, I was a full blown addiction to that. So then after that I couldn't handle everyone, all my guys. So I moved to Auckland, away from everyone, and I moved there with my friends. I'm it for Mount Cook and I and everything. I was there and Valium, I was drinking and I was gambling.
::Speaker 2
I was fully out of fucking control. And, and I really didn't give a fuck if I lived or died, like I didn't go kill myself, but I wouldn't care if I didn't wake up, you know? So I was on a really downward spiral, again, like, just no real reason. I just fucking hate. I hated living, like.
::Speaker 2
And I don't know why. And my parents just find it so difficult, like, you know, nothing's really been that bad in your life. You know, they say these things, And I didn't really know either. You know? And I probably didn't really find this out until probably the last two years. You know, when I really started to dive back into my past and really, yes, last year was when some really big things come out.
::Speaker 2
But obviously I'm I mean.
::Speaker 1
It's interesting because like you do go to sort of side of thoughts. Yes. When you're like very depressed. Yeah. even though you shake that off and get back on your feet. But you're, you have those intrusive thoughts in your life, which I think a lot of people do, but that that's going to be key correlated towards some of this childhood stuff.
::Speaker 2
This, you know, 1,000%, you know, and so, yeah, then one day I was in Auckland and I had enough. And subconsciously, I probably knew that if I just showed up at home, my mum would see what was going on. It's like one of those things where I wouldn't ask for help. But if you throw me a, a life raft or something like that, I'd probably grab it.
::Speaker 2
You know? So, I rocked up at home. Mum had no idea. I flew home and I knocked on the door, and mum was like. Like, what are you doing here? Like, have.
::Speaker 1
You seen your mum.
::Speaker 2
For, probably about a year. And I just rocked up and, she was obviously so excited to see me, like, it's amazing. And I'm very quickly my mum sort of realized that Simon was right, you know, very quickly she sort of going, okay, cool. She's a poet. She, she started looking at my symptoms like I should come home from work.
::Speaker 2
And she's like, how can we be so happy? You know? And I was like, what the fuck? Did I not be happy? You want me to depressed? You know, she's like, no. And then so my mom said, going through my room and having a look like she's on something like, you know, mother intuition. You just know, you know, that's why my kids kind of get away with shit like I fucking.
::Speaker 2
I know before they even have the thought about doing something. You know, I'm already on their case, so. Yeah. And then not long after that, mum was like fat on my off towards the doctor and she goes like, you know, I want get my daughter help and she needs help now what do I need to do? And so then, yeah, they put me on a waiting list to go to rehab, which was 6.5 hour wait, wait.
::Speaker 2
And had to get me off the Valium like I was a high, high functioning, highly addicted to Valium. Yeah, the next few weeks was horrible. And I think I'll. I'll never forget how I felt. Mum had six and a half weeks before I went to rehab. They said mum was like, I can't, I can't do this. You don't know what she's like.
::Speaker 2
She is. I can't live with this guilt like she's horrible. She's a horrible fucking person, you know? Like. Like what am I going to do? How am I going to get off these pills? And he goes, here's some pills that you can get to wean her off. But, and anything goes wrong, call this number and she'll be committed.
::Speaker 2
And I think in the back of my head, I knew that if I acted out too much, my mom's is going to push the fucking down. I'm not going to be put in a psychiatric hospital until I go to rehab. Yeah. So, you know, and so I was like, fuck. Like, you know, but coming off benzos, they say, like I've read books on that is a thousand times worse than coming off heroin.
::Speaker 2
Like it was. It was horrific. And I remember waking up fully sweating, saturated sweat, nightmares, bad feelings, vomiting, like, you know, absolutely like this. It's great. My body screaming and, you know, in the back you mind, you take that one pill, your life's going to change.
::Speaker 1
Like you're going to feel good.
::Speaker 2
You're going to feel good. This feeling is going to go, you know, you know that. But you also know. And this is why I probably always say this as well. You know, video was easy. Your life be hard. It was hard. Your life would be easy. And I was exactly in that moment where I was like, you have a choice.
::Speaker 2
I also was never going to get my family back. If I didn't do this this time and get clean.
::Speaker 1
And.
::Speaker 2
Motivation, my, my, my parents and my dad made it very clear you don't get clean this time. You don't come back. You know, you go live on your own. You go so that your life. Because I'm not going to go through this again. I've got other children, so I have my brother and I'm sorry. Eventually.
::Speaker 1
Some, key words your mum said to you on one of those days.
::Speaker 2
Yeah.
::Speaker 1
And it was along the lines of, that. Hey, love, what can I do for you?
::Speaker 2
So that was when I was in rehab. So, when I went to. Yes, I finally got to rehab. And I remember walking in and just thinking I was begging my mum, please don't do this. I cried all the way. She drove me to grandma's house before I went there. And I was like, just, you know, just drive there.
::Speaker 2
Just do what your mom sighs. I'm crying, carrying on like, mom, I'll do anything. I'll get a job. What am I going to do? Please don't do this.
::Speaker 1
And she didn't actually think that you there.
::Speaker 2
I think.
::Speaker 1
Drove that I.
::Speaker 2
Think yeah. You're you're delusional. Right. Like, and I've always been good at talking my way out of things. And for the rest of my life, I can't pull my way out of this. And I remember walking through this fucking hospital, which is cold and, like, not inviting, not happy, like hospital doors and stuff like that. Very, you know, medical and I mean walking in and going, I am not one of those people.
::Speaker 2
I have a home, I have money, I am straight, I'm I don't do anything wrong. And I of the people I hurt myself like, who fucking cares? I'm not a criminal. I'm like, how the fuck do I deserve to be here with adults? You know? And you're talking about like, here's a 19 year old girl and I'm with like, people in their 30s and 40s and 50s and 60s and they they were fucking nurses.
::Speaker 2
They're addicted to Valium. I'm in there with doctors that are addicted to that. I mean, there with prostitutes that I, you know, enjoying heroin and on fucking the streets and prostitutes, you know, I'm there with people that are going there and out of jail, you know, so there's a lot, you know. And so I walk in and fucking cry and I please don't do this to me.
::Speaker 2
And my mum just leaves. And I remember that day very fucking well. And I was like, oh, this is fucking hard. You know, like wow. And then the next day was my 19th birthday. So I had my 19th in rehab. And it's crazy again, I feel like I'm going to cry because like, I've never like, spoken about this in like such detail and yeah.
::Speaker 2
And then that was probably the start of, everything going right in one direction and everything going wrong in the next chapter of my life. So and there there's two cardinal rules. Number one, not allowed to use number two do not have relationship with anyone in there. And so what I do I had a relationship with someone which would be cousins dead.
::Speaker 2
And I live there and very quickly I was introduced my first DV relationship. And I remember I went out of there and I was with this guy and I was like, this is amazing. I'm going to live this happily ever after life because he's clean. I'm going to be with someone that doesn't do drugs and alcohol. I this is like phenomenal.
::Speaker 2
Because how the fuck did I know that didn't do drugs and alcohol? You know what I mean? And so yeah. And then I, I live with him and I moved back to Auckland where, you know, what.
::Speaker 1
Sort of drugs was he on? What was he.
::Speaker 2
He was on crack.
::Speaker 1
He's on like.
::Speaker 2
Meth. Meth? Yeah. Pee wee couldn't pay up. And then I don't know anything about pay. I don't know anything about me. I wasn't, I just Valium, you know, I knew about weed and I was drinking by ecstasy, so I was, not not even. I wasn't around me. Like, I didn't have that. We were drinkers, you know? Like, you know, I lived in the Southland, and I think north.
::Speaker 2
I'm very much like Auckland. You know, I was all about pain, so I never heard about it until I started saying things on the news. You know, I never heard about this drug. You know, I never been around it. Never been around people that had that, you know, and so, yes, I moved to Auckland and, within three weeks, I was just hanging out with him, and I put my hand in his pocket, like, you know, I was hugging him, and I felt a canister in his pocket, and I was like, what the fuck is that?
::Speaker 2
So I just sort of grabbed it out.
::Speaker 1
And how long they say so he's finished rehab. You met in rehab. You hooked up there sort of thing, and then he's left. You kept the connection. Like, where did you go living? Where did he go live?
::Speaker 2
That was a he lived in Auckland. I lived in Christchurch and I moved.
::Speaker 1
How far?
::Speaker 2
The Auckland. it's a plane ride, I think. Maybe two hours or an hour maybe.
::Speaker 1
Okay. So you went.
::Speaker 2
South on Northland other than south on here. Okay.
::Speaker 1
And then just painting the picture. Yeah. And then so you guys kept in contact after that. Was it six weeks of rehab? Yeah. And then, say you focusing on everything? You missed each other, I think.
::Speaker 2
No, I think a, like, I think in a few weeks I moved there like, maybe.
::Speaker 1
Four for him. Yeah. So she moved up and then, you know, hanging out with this guy. You think you've just done rehab together, so you're on the same path? Yeah. You're both clean, boys. This is it. This is it? Yeah. you know, you've hooked up with this guy. and then, I mean, breaking the rules is also fun, isn't it?
::Speaker 1
You just got told you not allowed to do that, so.
::Speaker 2
Yeah. And I think I've never I've never been I've been a leader my whole life. I don't listen to rules. I've never been great rules. It's one great in business because I don't like to be told what to do.
::Speaker 1
Yeah. So and then. Yeah. So. So you follow up there. Yeah. You're hanging out with him for.
::Speaker 2
I was living with him in his mom's house. Was, parents, his mum. was this like.
::Speaker 1
A visit or. You're. I'm coming here for good.
::Speaker 2
No. Come and have a good.
::Speaker 1
Serious.
::Speaker 2
Man. Yeah, I'm just that person. Wow. There's no there's no in between me. I'm either dancing or not. They try to get.
::Speaker 1
Me to move to Gold Coast for, like, two.
::Speaker 2
Years. Yeah, there's there's no half measures like. I mean, they're going to Bali for a visit. Oh, I'm moving there, you know what I mean? Like I'm just an everything or nothing person. So yeah, I'm saying that, you.
::Speaker 1
Know, running away from your problems, right.
::Speaker 2
Oh well, I've done that a lot too. So, I sit there, I put my hand in his pocket, pulled out a canister, didn't know what it was. I went to the bathroom, opened on my hand, open it up. He didn't. He had not had weight inside. And I was like, my heart sank like cheating. It felt like time lines.
::Speaker 2
And I was like, Holy fuck. Like I was devastated. Yeah. You know, like I didn't care what was weight. I did nothing like, we're doin this together. It's like I just really thought I meant my person, you know, like, this is amazing. And my. I think my whole idea was crushed, right? Like my dream of, like a person sober, and we're driving sober life together.
::Speaker 2
So. Yeah, I had, that came out, and I said to him, what's this? And he looked at me and he said, just don't tell my mum. And I said, if your mum asked me, I'm going to tell her mum. And then he strangled me. He got up, grabbed me by his throat, set me on the bed, strangled me, and he said, let this be a warning.
::Speaker 2
You will not tell my mum. Now at that moment I two voices right then and then leave. Well, so then I was not strong enough to go back to my old life for not drinking drugs, and I never.
::Speaker 1
Had that day. Like, because there was no TV in your home.
::Speaker 2
No.
::Speaker 1
So that's a very scary sort of situation for a girl to be in.
::Speaker 2
Yeah. 19, 19 year old.
::Speaker 1
confused. Not strong.
::Speaker 2
Not strong. No idea who I was. No idea at all. yeah. No. No idea. And no self-worth. No confidence. No idea who I was without alcohol, you know. So. And here I've got a person that was meant to be my protector and my shining fucking.
::Speaker 1
And this is about two weeks after rehab.
::Speaker 2
This is very grateful. Four weeks after rehab. Yeah.
::Speaker 1
And then. Okay, so then what happened after that? She's continued the relationship.
::Speaker 2
So. So I had to I had an option. I had a choice right then in their choice right there that, either stay with him or go back. And like I said, I was not strong enough to leave to go back to my old life and I'll go back to drugs and alcohol. And I had on my shoulders that if I did remember to drugs and alcohol, I'd lose my family, or I side with him and then try to stay sober.
::Speaker 2
And maybe it was a one off thing and it could be a one off thing, you know? And I truly believe that. And then a couple weeks later, I remember this is my first gaslighting situation. Hey, I got work keeping me up from work. I could smell alcohol on his breath. And I'll never forget this moment. I don't know what.
::Speaker 2
Guess what I mean? I probably learned that word fucking three years ago and I smell alcohol on him. And I went quiet. So you know something's wrong and hey, turn time. And he goes, what's wrong? And I said, I said, oh no, nothing. He goes, oh, I've just got a feeling like you've been out drinking. That's it. Sorry.
::Speaker 2
What? And he goes, I can smell alcohol on your breath. And I was like, what the fuck? Like, I can smell alcohol. Your breath like. And he's like, I've been drinking. I think you out. I think you're lying to me. And all of a sudden, somehow, this person had switched everything that I had been thinking on me and to the point this was so psychotic, so psychological.
::Speaker 1
Yeah.
::Speaker 2
That I could no longer smell the alcohol on his breath. And I started to question what I'd done that day at work. That was the moment when I started to go, Holy fuck! Like this guy started to psychologically abuse me again. I wouldn't really understand this until years later. and yeah, then a few months went by, the abuse continued and continued and got worse.
::Speaker 2
Until one day, my friend came on stage and, we had a massive fight, and he held a knife out to my throat and flipped the mattress. And after he finally fucking like the shit settled, she took me to the police station, which is a two person charges. I said, no, I'm not doing it. And she's like, yes, you are.
::Speaker 2
And the PlayStation happened to be just down the road from my penthouse, the penthouse that his mum bought for us because she just wanted to get him away from me, like away from her. She wanted her space from him. So she was like, you're going to be the person who can save my son, you know, blah, blah, blah.
::Speaker 2
And then like, she was abused also by his dad. And so I didn't know how bad the abuse was. I didn't even know about abuse, like, because obviously all abuse people kept very quiet, you know. so she took me to the police station. It was such a line. I said, I'm going to go. She's like, no, you're not.
::Speaker 2
She she goes, awesome line. She's in line. She procedures against him. For me, that's how it actually went down. Did I had to do I it was out of my hands because she pressed charges saying I've witnessed this so it's nothing I could do.
::Speaker 1
And I would have in that relationship done with that friend. And she stayed with him.
::Speaker 2
Oh, there was yeah, 100%. But we're actually we're still friends today. But, it was definitely like a lot of tension. There's a lot of things that happened in those times. And, I also, you know, I side with him a little bit longer after that. And then we had another fight, and he'd actually, try to call one of my friends to say, I'm going to kill you, which is a guy.
::Speaker 2
And he actually didn't hang up the phone, and we're having a fucking fight in the background. And the boys like, fuck, I think he's getting smashed. Like, we need to get down. And now they're like 45 minutes away. And, they rocked up to the house and, they came, got me, took me away, and they said, you need a life like you.
::Speaker 2
You got to you. You can't keep doing this like we can't, like, hang out with you guys and and shake his hand, be like, thanks, bro, for fucking smashing on with my best friend, you know? So, I end up one day just. He went to work, I packed my stuff. His mom actually dropped me off at the airport, and I flew back home to crashes, and he had no idea that I was inside with my friends in Auckland.
::Speaker 2
And, I remember my mum picking me up and just before that happened, actually, just before that happened, me and my mom went talking for a few months. A lot of things, I don't know, it wasn't happening that me moved to Auckland. All that stuff and my mum actually run me as a boy and she said, what's going on with you?
::Speaker 2
And I said, nothing. And out of the blue she said, I gave her no reason to ask this question as he hitting you. And I just broke down. And then she was like, I'm booking a flight. So she but my flight, his mum put me out to the airport and I remember going down those elevator.
::Speaker 1
Escalator.
::Speaker 2
Escalators. Yeah, to my mom. And I just burst into tears. And that was the start of trying to get my life back on track. But it didn't end there. So I moved home. And then a couple days later, he can contact me and beside himself. And he did what every good DV person say, I'll change. Let me prove it to you.
::Speaker 2
And I'm feeling good now I feel safe. I'm in my family home. I got my old job back. I'm feeling security. I'm feeling good. When I feel good, I want other people to be part of that. Right. Because. So, he came back and again, they said two weeks later. And then it comes down to the fact that he didn't come home one day, and I have no idea what was going on.
::Speaker 2
And he didn't come home one day. And I thought that day there'd been a hit and run on record and road where he supposedly worked. And I thought, Holy fuck, he's killed this person. It's him. Like, why would he not be home as well as the fucking news? Well, it's just my head's going back and forth. And then, my mum rang the watch house to see what was going on, and all I remember her saying is why he is there.
::Speaker 2
And I just ran down the stairs of my home and I fucking burst into tears. My dad was like, what's going on? I don't know, he's killed this person. He's like, what? Like, what do you mean? Like he's killed it? His ass is fucking is go this person on the road and like, I don't even know this. Like I've just heard he's.
::Speaker 2
And they're turned away together. He's killed this person. I don't think anything else. And I'm concerned. He goes. He's been on for burglary. I said, I'm sorry. What? And I want it all came out like he had actually burgled ten houses in the last our 14 days. And that was his job. I thought he went to work for a job and his job was burglary people's houses.
::Speaker 2
And just.
::Speaker 1
During the.
::Speaker 2
Day, just in the day. And I've gone to Cash Converters to get cash. Yep. And then he.
::Speaker 1
Had no idea.
::Speaker 2
I had no idea how embarrassing. Like the police went through my house. It was stolen property, was throwing my house and my bed. Like everything, I had no idea.
::Speaker 1
Just no.
::Speaker 2
Just oblivious. Yeah, neither did my mum. Like, thank God it was my mom's house, not my grandma's. But yeah, then he went to jail and I was like, yes, I'm out, this is it. And then I found I was pregnant.
::Speaker 1
How many days later?
::Speaker 2
Literally two weeks.
::Speaker 1
::Speaker 2
And I only came down to because I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. I was throwing up. I was, like, sobbing, self-contained, all the things. I'm emotional place. Not for one second do I think I'm pregnant. I sitting on the steps and I remember the day my mum come home, she goes, I can, I know what's wrong with you?
::Speaker 2
Said watch because you're pregnant. I said, no, I'm not, absolutely not. She says, yes, you are a gay mother's intuition right? Got a chance. And I got three tests actually. And I took the first one and like the cross goes like this. And the negative is just that way. Right. But it just keep out with one line that way.
::Speaker 2
So it was like not negative or positive. I was like oh it's just wrong. And then I pulled out and mum's like congratulations, pregnant. I said, I'm not like I'm not like, look, it's just a fucking it's inconclusive. I did another one. Same thing. The third one, same thing. I was like, it's just fucking, I don't know. obviously something else.
::Speaker 1
We got fucking.
::Speaker 2
Broken. So I check them in my rubbish bin and the next day I found they were fucking all positive, like, oh, they took away. Well, because obviously it was quite early.
::Speaker 1
Yes, we've had that.
::Speaker 2
Yes we have. Yeah. Yeah we did have that happy and
::Speaker 1
Yeah we looked at it in the bin we.
::Speaker 2
Were likely to fuck. Yeah I know, shit. Oh shit. Oh yeah, I'm clear like, oh fuck. It's come back positive. So yeah.
::Speaker 1
And did you manage your mum happy for you then. Oh nice. Yeah I she was cool.
::Speaker 2
She was really, really supportive I suppose because my mum had me when she was 19. she was like look, you know.
::Speaker 1
This is going to be pivotal for.
::Speaker 2
You. This is, this is also I think so I think that, you know, like and maybe in her mind she's like, no, this is going to give you a reason to live, a reason to do better, to be something, you know, other than yourself. I think maybe it was that she also was like, you know, very supportive.
::Speaker 2
She said to me, like, I also want you no matter what with whatever way you want to go. But if you say that you can't raise a child on your own, you can. And I'm going to help you. You're not by yourself, you know. So I was adamant. I'm having an abortion. I'm not having this child.
::Speaker 1
I was mum that.
::Speaker 2
It was my mum. Like, you know, it wasn't. She didn't convince me. But I was adamant. No fucking way. I've gone through so much shit. I'm not over the fucking kid to this guy. He's in jail now. Like. Like, no, like this is not. How am I watching you?
::Speaker 1
How old? 19.
::Speaker 2
oing. Actually, I think I was: ::Speaker 2
He gave me a reason to do better. To be better. is also when I started to self-development.
::Speaker 1
So you picked up a I.
::Speaker 2
Picked up a book called You Can Hear Your Life Below his highs. And the reason how that came about is that because I went I was working with someone. I was always fucking happy. She was 35 years old. And every single day I should rock up. I should just be happy. I'm like, why the fuck you so happy?
::Speaker 1
It almost triggers you and you're so pissed off.
::Speaker 2
I owe 100% of my life. My life was like falling apart. My life going for it, always falling apart. I didn't really know happiness. You know, in my life I really didn't know happiness. I height of the world. I was just going to then pissed off and then. Yeah. She said to me, local. My dad died. Someone told me about this book and and I helped me and I was like, I've.
::Speaker 2
I never read a book in my life. I was like, oh, fucking whatever, blah, blah, blah. And anyway, I end up getting a lot of migraines, I suffer migraines. this part of the book that, has affirmations for migraines. So, after about six months, I've been bedridden. I said, fine, what's the book celebrating the affirmations like this is pretty good and started writing.
::Speaker 2
The book changed my life because things have changed a lot in that book was a thought is just the thought and thought can be changed, and I've taken that into every part of my life from that moment. I, I've told every single person about that. Have you change the thought? You change the emotions, you change the feelings, you change the outcome.
::Speaker 2
You're full control. And there was a pivotal moment in my life. So when he got out of jail, which, you know, he got out of jail when we try to.
::Speaker 1
house cos.
::Speaker 2
It was still in his stomach. So he got out when I was eight and a half months pregnant.
::Speaker 1
He did eight months jail.
::Speaker 2
Hey, did eight months jail. And and this is how crazy my life is that I actually went to parole and, to the board. what's it called? Like the board where you go to, like, you know, submit for parole and, and got them out early. I hit a three and a half year sentence, and, I couldn't get out earlier because I went in there with me.
::Speaker 2
The victim, my mum, support. And I said we wouldn't usually let the perpetrator go back into the victim's home, but he looks like, you know, he's changed and he's got good family support and he's got support from new guys and blah, blah. And I got him out earlier.
::Speaker 1
Did you visit him in jail.
::Speaker 2
Every fucking weekend, every weekend, Saturday and Sunday. And it was.
::Speaker 1
Eight months.
::Speaker 2
For eight months.
::Speaker 1
And you believed that you could have a life? I don't know.
::Speaker 2
I don't think I've. I don't know what I believed. I felt like I had to do what was right and try for my baby. because that was the right thing to do. Like I owed it to my son.
::Speaker 1
Well, you had shit with your dad, right?
::Speaker 2
Yeah. And so I owed it to my son, you know? So I was like, at least I can say I tried, because if this all goes down, I can, like, say, I tried. So. Yeah. So you go to jail and,
::Speaker 1
I think were going to your father on the, on on our podcast about Father's Day. Yeah. Yeah. It's a really cool story that brings us back.
::Speaker 2
Yeah.
::Speaker 1
but, Yeah. So you. So he got out, and what happened? You were going to create this life together. Where? Where did that take you?
::Speaker 2
so he got out of jail. Idaho. Two months pregnant. within one week, the violence started. and he strangled me when I was pregnant, I collapsed, I had stuff going on. My mom called the ambulance. They took me and took me in. They said, like, you know, I don't know what's wrong with her heart, right, guys?
::Speaker 2
As a she's run a marathon, you know, you're going to keep her in for a little bit. Kind of fun. Anything is wrong. You know, my parents, you know, the violence was starting again. It was in their home. Like we lived in their home. and I was obviously very discreet about that. You know, I don't want this to be my life.
::Speaker 2
And I didn't want my family to be involved in all the things.
::Speaker 1
And you're about to give birth.
::Speaker 2
I'm about to give birth. You know, like this was meant to be the happiest moment of my life. So, I went into I went into labor. He was on home detention, and he was in bed, and I rocked up, and I knocked on the door, like, in our room, because I have always just living on eggshells, you know, it's like, hey, look, you know, I'm in labor.
::Speaker 2
And, he was like, basically like, what a crock of shit now, you know? And I said, no, and my dad said, home from work, from home, went to work and just got some stuff done. My dad's at home from work, and, I went through my contractions and stuff in the bath. My dad was at this thing was like, is that another one?
::Speaker 2
Like, no, I was heavily involved. It was so beautiful. You know, it was a really beautiful moment. And then my midwife came and all the doctors were coming in because, we're actually at home and my midwife was my aunty. So, it was a really beautiful experience. And so, then he came out pissed off, like, annoyed that everyone else was there.
::Speaker 2
Embarrassed. You know, his big thing was about being embarrassed. I'm really Irish. so I'm in labor. Active labor. And he's going off of me, making me feel like shit that, How dare I let him slave while I was in labor, and, you know, he wasn't a part of it, so he was all that going on while I'm in active labor?
::Speaker 2
it was extremely horrible.
::Speaker 1
And this is in the home.
::Speaker 2
This is my home. Then it starts ramping up. So that's say. Okay, cool. It's got a hospital now. So I go to hospital and I'm giving birth, and I give birth to my beautiful baby boy on all fours. And then.
::Speaker 1
Same as Harvey.
::Speaker 2
Simon's Harvey, Simon's Noah. And then I bleed out blood everywhere. And I was like, it was meant to happen. And, the like, no flip to me I took Harvey, I took Harvey, took Carsen. gave me injection. Trying to stop the bleeding. And, I was basically dying on the operating table. And while this is going on, he was trying to fight the nurses and doctors.
::Speaker 2
I've just given birth. My mum is on edge into the baby. He's, like, abusing them all. I'm hearing all this like, well, I'm just about like, did I feel. I literally felt like the the life of me was coming out of me, like the soul was coming out of me and yeah, it was a horrific experience. and I was meant to move to the private hospital, but I couldn't because of what had happened to me.
::Speaker 2
So I had to be, in public. And, actually had a very much a universe moment where, I was, after all that happen, had gone home. I was just my baby. And, a nurse came in and took my bloods. And then the next day, my midwife come in and she asked me my dame, and I said, oh, you know, someone came to, some bloods yesterday, and she said to me, okay, what the heck, Bloods?
::Speaker 2
I said, I have no idea. Like, there's going to be bloods at the time. Like I could hardly. I was crawling to get to the toilet. Like, I just thought it was part of. I'm 20 years old. Like, I'm. I'm thinking I was having a baby. So the baby, like, you know, like, I don't have any strength in her.
::Speaker 2
I didn't really think anything of it. Didn't talk up about it. Was just like, can you just get on with life? You know? And, she came in and she said, hi. I can't see, like, how you took your bloods. Like, do you remember the nurse's name? I said, no, and I'm she's like, this is so bizarre.
::Speaker 2
And then I come back. I need a blood transfusion. So this day, no one knows who took those bloods. There's no known nurse that owned up to it.
::Speaker 1
An angel?
::Speaker 2
No one. Yeah, and I needed two. Two bags of blood transfusion, you know, and so.
::Speaker 1
Oh, you would have died.
::Speaker 2
I could have died. Yeah. So it's crazy. So. Yeah. So that was. That's my birthing story and all the way up to that and and then over the time after that is when I turn my friend. So I got finally got rid of time after one massive big DV fight. And I'm finally got my strength back. And I'm glad.
::Speaker 1
You did it for cos in this day I'm not you.
::Speaker 2
So I did have a cousin. Yeah. So. So, not long later the violence started, and when I really realized that Castle was in danger. That was at the Wisconsin. Castle was six months old.
::Speaker 1
So you did not a six months. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
::Speaker 2
And that and I got worse and worse.
::Speaker 1
One day. I believe cousin was at risk. Yeah, in that violence. And that was enough.
::Speaker 2
That was. That was.
::Speaker 1
All. He can hit me or whatever. But I will not put my son at risk.
::Speaker 2
Yeah, 100%. So I literally had my, son in my arms when he attacked me one day, threw me on the bed, punched in the side of my face, out of my head while I'm covering my son. and when he finally got out of his rage and he got up, I had Castle into my arms and I was calling the place, and he said, please, please don't do this to me.
::Speaker 2
Don't do this to me. Like I don't wanna go back to jail. And I said, I can't do this. And when I near them, I mean, I had to, had to call, I had to call the police, you know, I had to do that. And, so, yeah, I called the police and that was the stop. I got to Varro and I gave him ultimatum.
::Speaker 2
I said, you've got two choices. You either leave right now and you never told me ever again. You forget, forget about. You have a son like you. Stay the fuck away from me and away from us, or I'll press charges and you'll go to jail for a really long time. And so he chose his freedom, and, Yeah.
::Speaker 2
And then I started my healing journey.
