#1 WHO THE F*CK ARE WE? - Part 1

:: 00:00:00

Unknown

Here we are. Episode one of Spill the Tape. We've spoken about this for so long. Live here in Bali. Yeah, we've just dropped Holly off at school. Yeah, it was a hectic morning.

:: 00:09:03

Unknown

We, traveling currently everywhere. That's it. We're sitting here with our first episode of a podcast we've spoken about for a very, very long. Almost two years. Yes. And what we're learning is done better than perfect, right? That is it. And, get comfortable being uncomfortable because right now we are feeling, comfortable. And we teach our clients to step out of the zone.

:: 00:34:15

Unknown

And here we are walking the walk. Yeah. Say one, one thing. Yeah. How are you feeling right now about this? Well, how are you feeling, bro? Or how are you feeling? So, yeah, I come in this morning and, you know, you get excited about something like this, and then we get nervous, and then we're like, fuck. But then we always go back to, like, what do we tell our clients?

:: 00:53:06

Unknown

You know, we've got people in our online program called Way Based Success that are now, you know, it's we just started this a week ago and we've got people coming in saying like how far they've moved through things and started businesses already. So super crazy. What happens when you have support and guidance and people backing you and clapping when you succeed?

:: 01:10:17

Unknown

Right? That's right. And that's how we build that community. How are you feeling? I'm excited, but I'm feeling nervous. Like obviously stepping in here. Never done this before. You got all the cameras, all the lights as pressure. You got to pick Harvey up from school at a certain time. But, you know, how many times have we had that conversation on the phone?

:: 01:27:21

Unknown

We were like, fuck, write that down. Need to go on the podcast, right? That's it. I mean, you get in the podcast and you're like, shit, what are we talking about tonight? Exactly. So yeah, we've got notes, but we're going to free flow. We're going to be authentic as fuck on here. That's what this is about 100%. So this episode is called Who the Fuck Are We?

:: 01:44:19

Unknown

That's right. Who the fuck are we? So we're gonna start with bro. So who the fuck is Bodger? Sorry. Some of you guys. He's the most controversial guy that you're the. Love him or hate him. I really don't think he's really in the in between here. So some of you guys may know him from a Snapchat days. I remember those days.

:: 02:02:03

Unknown

A lot of you do. Or some of you guys may not. I'm from the sex shop. When he was doing crazy things with big dildos and, or if you're probably tuning in to this episode, you probably know him as the breathwork guru. So how the fuck is boy? Jared? Really? Who the fuck is boy Jerry? Well, that is something I'm constantly working out and diving into, and I think it's important to constantly grow.

:: 02:25:13

Unknown

I find, you know, like we say in an online program that people are like, it's okay to change. A lot of people come to us feeling stuck or lost or like, I'm in this career and I want to be here. And I'm like, how often do I come to you? I'm like, I don't like the way I'm dressing anymore.

:: 02:39:09

Unknown

I'm going to completely change. Like, you've seen me on social media and I mean basketball jerseys and oversize tees and an X button on shirts on, you know, and it's like, it's okay, like and rocking Gucci and rocking Gucci. I say like and I find also with you like some weeks you want to get your nails done, in your hair done and then other way.

:: 02:56:13

Unknown

And you just want to be natural and you don't want anything on you. So like I feel like it's it's okay to, to change. Like we're constantly trying to work out who we are, right? It's like I think you said the other day, Steve Bartlett said, it's all about finding your passion and your purpose. Like, that's bullshit, right?

:: 03:14:16

Unknown

It's about finding what makes you happy and what made you happy last week or what served you is going to fucking constantly change. So as you change, as you change and grow and also what you're influenced by. So like living in Bali, I made a lot of people traveling alone, and I think that's where you find yourself the most.

:: 03:30:20

Unknown

I always say to people like, go away, go on a plane, go away. Away from your influences or at your best friends, your direct family members. You know, people around you in your career. Once you step away from that, then you start to be more authentic because you're hanging around people that you don't give a fuck about judgment from.

:: 03:47:13

Unknown

So. So what have you overcome in life? So let's go back right from the beginning. all right. So majorly for me, where were you born? Where was I born? I was born in Perth, Western Australia. Fremantle. A lot of people were Fremantle. Great place. Loved it. Grew up there. I grew up in sort of like, you know, there weren't great areas, but there weren't it wasn't super bad.

:: 04:12:02

Unknown

But we had a really nice house. My parents worked hard, which is my default setting. Right. You gotta work hard for money. Yes. You to save money. That was my default setting. Yeah. by the age of two, I was diagnosed heavily with ADHD and forced medication down my throat. am I angry at my parents for that?

:: 04:31:03

Unknown

No. But, you know, 33 years ago, well, 30 years ago, I should say, you know, your child is misbehaving at school or having some sort of issues. You want the best for them as you take them to the doctor or go on to what coach says. He's got this condition and he's this medication. So what do you do?

:: 04:46:07

Unknown

You do what's right for you. It's also frustrating for the parents. It's also frustrating for the teachers and probably distracting for other children, stuff like that. I've got a lot to say on ADHD, which we will go into in another podcast, which most people come to me because they resonate with my story. But yeah, going through childhood, through primary school, I had to move school, because of behavioral stuff or surrounded by kids that would either, you know, stir you up or teachers didn't understand me or get me.

:: 05:13:04

Unknown

I was just disruptive or distractive and, you know, teachers would say things like, you know, you're just a naughty kid or the other kids are black, you know, the naughty kid. And I guess I'll become this, like, villain at school, like, everyone just expect me just to be the fuck up. Right? So and that comes into adulthood too, right?

:: 05:31:24

Unknown

When you getting in trouble? I mean, you have a fight all the way. You can revert back to that child and you're like, you know, you feel like you're in trouble or you're not good enough and sort of stuff like that. So moving through that height of my medication, everyone around me knew straight away if I wasn't on it, I reckon I was overly heavily, way too medicated.

:: 05:51:14

Unknown

it zombified me didn't hide it the way it made me feel, you know, had no emotion, just blank. And I believe I suppressed a lot and then lost. I believe that I was robbed of my childhood because of the medication and, you know, it even got to a point where I was on sleeping meds. You know, and, I couldn't sleep without medication.

:: 06:11:04

Unknown

I remember going and staying at my friend's house, and I forgot my medication. Or, like, if I was older and I was my responsibility and I had to ring my parents or get their parents to drop me off. And it's like, embarrassing, you know, like. And I always got called the crazy kid. So that was like that. That's that's hard because you take that on into adult life, right?

:: 06:28:21

Unknown

In your work spaces and how that makes you feel. And then as soon as I hit high school, as soon as I had the absolute chance to ditch medication, I was like, yeah, I'm out. So kids at school wanted to buy it. I didn't understand it, so I used to sell my meds like to other you, I take it take the meds.

:: 06:50:04

Unknown

Yeah. I don't take me lunch money. Yeah. But, yeah, I didn't, I didn't understand why. Because I knew the way it made me feel. And I'm like, why would you want to feel like that? But apparently with the chemical imbalance in the brain, it gave them a higher where it gave me that low and that sort of calm feel.

:: 07:06:07

Unknown

But I do remember being on meds at school, just want to hyper focus on work, and I don't bag medicine at all. I always say this like, you know, I've got a lot of clients with ADHD and they come to me and they're like, I actually medication saves my life. Like, if I didn't have that, I don't know where I'd be.

:: 07:22:15

Unknown

So I'm like, sure, that's cool. You know, like, you know, we all got our thing. I don't bag anything. I believe everyone should try different things and see what works for you. And not always. Nothing should be like a long term. No, I don't believe you. Just go on ADHD medication from a child and then that's your entire life.

:: 07:38:22

Unknown

Because who are you without that medication when you're not on that? And this is like a key point in my life. I remember going to my mum, I'm getting emotional talking about this. Well, but I remember going to my mom at like, you know, I would have been probably like nine years old maybe. And I said to my mom, I said, how am I going to ever learn to control my own behavior when I have medication?

:: 08:00:13

Unknown

Do it for me and for me? That was like, I remember telling that to other parents at the school, you know, they're like, oh, you know, because their kids were getting diagnosed and you see it now, like every kid's fucking on that ADHD medication. We had said, your son Noah. Yeah. my stepson, he had a birthday party and yeah, he had a birthday party.

:: 08:20:07

Unknown

And, I was at bounce with all of his friends, and they. There's eight kids and they were all on medication, and I couldn't believe it. and I had a really good conversation with a couple of them, and they said, no, it's hard because I'm at school even, like, now if I'm acting out or whatever, they're like, have you taking medication?

:: 08:42:08

Unknown

So that was their their thing back. And I couldn't believe there was so many kids who were on medication without even, like, trying to get to the core of the issues and, you know, to have all of those kids there and, you know, I'd have them be on medication. And my son wasn't on medication. It was just mind blowing for me.

:: 08:57:17

Unknown

Yeah, 100%. And for me, like I sit there and think, like when I was in high school, in primary school, there wasn't many kids on medication. It was just like 1 or 2. And I get there's more research and there's more things, you know, neurodivergent people versus, you know, people ADHD and autism. And, you know, there's different spectrums and all that sort of stuff.

:: 09:19:20

Unknown

So but I also I'm a high believer that a lot of ADHD symptoms come from an unregulated nervous system, stress, anxiety, whether that's childhood trauma or the environments they're living in, you know, your, your nervous systems in fight or flight mode and not being understood, not being heard, not really seen, not lot. So acting out. also, we learn at a young age that when we feel pain, emotional pain that we try and distract ourselves with the toys, with the chocolate.

:: 09:50:01

Unknown

Yeah. With butterfly or. Yes or TV. Because just like our scrolling on our phones, that's easier than feeling the pain, right? 100%. Well, you like you know, you've got we've got Harvey and Harvey Hertz and stuff. We're like high tech on that side. Distract him like, you know, with what's going on outside. Or if I have my food, like, how do you cry?

:: 10:05:23

Unknown

Here's a chocolate. Yeah, yeah. And we're really trying to we do that as an adult. We do that as an adult. Sometimes we're not so much now that I remember. Like, I should sit there and eat a tub of ice cream because it's like, but just trying to feel good. Just trying to get that like, diamond feeling, you know, and you know, and the chocolate does make me feel good.

:: 10:24:17

Unknown

Yeah. And what do we tell our clients you must feel to hear and you know, and it is it's discomfort, you know. But we know this when we know that when we go through this, you know, and I can talk on the side of things fucking forever because, you know, there's so much to say on that. But yeah, 100%.

:: 10:42:18

Unknown

And what I want to say to all my clients going through it might not be ADHD, my anxiety or depression or whatever. I'm like, well, let's talk about backtracking. The things that have happened to no, no, I don't want to talk about that. But my, my, my outlook on this is a voice said that you must feel the storm and feel the weather, the sound of the lightning and the rain to then experience the sunshine.

:: 11:03:16

Unknown

And if you appreciate the sunshine and also to appreciate it. Yeah. And if you're not, if you're constantly running from this weather and this storm, it's just constantly going to fully engage your body. Your nervous system needs to feel it. It's a process it, release it, regulate it. That's right. I was literally talking to a and we based success program yesterday on, zoom session that there's some horrible things that happened to someone.

:: 11:27:23

Unknown

And I said if I wanted to move through those pillars of trauma, I would slowly take them back to the environment that that trauma had happened in. Yeah. And do breathwork with them and let them talk a little bit about what's going on, and then they're going to feel really uncomfortable. I want to leave like, this is too much.

:: 11:43:08

Unknown

Obviously when their body is feeling unsafe, then you have to retract. But it's, you know, the more you go back to that same situation, the more you talk about it and the more you feel it, the more you write it down, the more you're aware of your feelings that are coming up and let them posture, you know, and then you feel safe and go back to the situation.

:: 12:00:12

Unknown

It's like women that have been hurt by men. They can't get back in a relationship. So they've got all these walls up and they take all the baggage to the next relationship or to the next, and they go to these insecurities or something. and then the same is like, I have a lot of clients that have been in car accidents and they can't move forward in life, whether that's with a business or it's just, procrastination or self-sabotaging in their life because they're not really living their life to full potential, because they have these blocks and they never process the emotion, they never process.

:: 12:30:22

Unknown

So for them, even thinking about getting in the car, the nervous system starts acting like sympathetically, right? They start this and it's designed, designed to keep you, keep you safe like it's what it's for. You know, I say, I say it's designed to keep you safe, but it will make you self-sabotage in a real life. Yeah. Modern society.

:: 12:46:23

Unknown

Because there's not a tiger in front of you that's trying to kill you. Yes, the car can kill you, and it's dangerous, but it that's, You know, it's like someone who's scared of flying. They're they're not. And I hate flying. But I get on that plane, and I push through that anxiety, that nervous system. I breathe because there's on the other side, an opportunity to travel to another place or have that car to get you to certain places, or you know where your friends are going out and you're like, no, I'm going to stay.

:: 13:10:06

Unknown

Possibilities, new opportunities 100%. So, you know, we have to slowly get back in that car and slowly drive. And then, you know, you don't put someone in the car and fly them down the freeway. It's going to be traumatizing. The number system is going to freak out. Yeah. But yeah, back to back to who the fuck is jury and where we are going to go on tangents because we both have ADHD.

:: 13:30:06

Unknown

ADHD, right. Yeah. Actual ADHD personalities match because we're I have totally different I have the hyperactivity. Yeah. And you have the hyper focus and we, that's why I work really well under a lot of hours. And that's why I get distracted and don't work. That's. You have to get on my case all the time. 100%. So how old were you when you stopped medication there?

:: 13:52:04

Unknown

I talked about that about 15. And then, how did you get off it? I just I was spitting it out at school, and, you know, it's weird to think back to, like, you know, your kids, you're their age now. you know, like, I was at school and getting told by adults that I had to put this stuff into my body, you know?

:: 14:12:24

Unknown

And another thing is, like, it was really cool because I grew up, my mom only got I wasn't allowed sugar. I wasn't that lollies, Cokes, nothing like that. So I do I have I'm blessed for that because I didn't eat shit. Yeah. And another thing that I think of these days is you feel these kids full of like Froot Loops and high sugar products and shit that shouldn't be in our bodies and send them off to school.

:: 14:32:21

Unknown

And then their behaviors affect and they're like, okay, this thing wrong with them? Yeah, let's put them on meds. So, you know, there's that we're going to do it. Like let's do an ADHD podcast by moving forward to who the fuck are we? yes. So yeah. 15 just to I just mom couldn't control me anymore. Pretty much.

:: 14:48:23

Unknown

I was like, I'm not taking it like I didn't want I didn't want to. I remember running to the back of the couch and spitting them out, and then getting another one put in my mouth and chewing it and spitting it out and then getting in trouble, like. And I'm like this human being that doesn't want this in my body.

:: 15:02:06

Unknown

And it's like people that you love. And on how like dragging you, but it's like yelling from a place of love, but it's coming from a place of love. But it's also very traumatizing. Which brings me to why I don't touch 100% any one of my friends or sort of stuff like I. I tried Wade, that was hectic.

:: 15:18:14

Unknown

They didn't really like it, didn't like being out of control. and, you know, I just think you don't like feeling anything that you're not in control of because you were drugged from a very, very young age, chose two or 3 to 15, you know, like it's true, though. Yeah. And my parents obviously just wanted, like, the best fit for me.

:: 15:37:18

Unknown

And they wanted me to fucking chill the fuck out. Like, I'm talking like I used to, like, jump on the roof like my parents can get me. I'll be on the roof, on the roof, into the pole, into the pool. Three years ago jumping, I think, when I, when I was around about, 3 or 4 years old, I went around and smashed, like, nearly every window in a house.

:: 15:53:24

Unknown

Yeah, because my behavior was out of control. My parents didn't know what to do with me. And I also, you know, they listen to doctors that that's that was the generation where you did listen. The doctor was right. Yeah. I remember being, a doctor, I don't know, 7 or 8. And I had a psychologist come over like a tape player and then, like, recording me and stuff, and I'm on the couch and we're talking about stuff, and then I just lost it, and.

:: 16:19:03

Unknown

And I went out and smashed a window, like, just smashed the lounge room window. I picked up something off the table or a rock from outside, I can't remember, and smashed it. And then my mom was like, I'm so sorry. Like she's embarrassed. She's frustrated, she's trying to get me help. She doesn't know what the fuck to do.

:: 16:32:14

Unknown

And I feel sad. Like I was obviously like you were like, I've got little Harvey and little Harvey's like a little bow, you know? And so for me, like, it makes me quite emotional because, like, I think about Harvey and, like, I would just want to, like, pick him up and hug him and be like, my mom didn't have the tools passed down by her parents, so she her love language is totally different.

:: 16:51:23

Unknown

And sometimes our love languages don't match what we need and what we're trying to give. We're trying to parent like our inner child wanted to be parent, which can come sometimes skip a generation, and we actually need the opposite parenting. so instead of in punishment love or instead of love, more discipline, right? Like so for me, yeah.

:: 17:10:24

Unknown

Smashing shit around the house. Schools can handle me. I'm in the office constantly. so, yeah, got to about 15. I tried wait till like that. got into, you know, my friends and, pills and, like, you know, that old, had friends get into, like, fucking crack or cocaine and gear or meth, whatever you want to call it from the country or whatever slang you use.

:: 17:35:15

Unknown

And that was hectic. I watch a lot of lives get fucked up, so that was like an instant put off for me. yeah. But I recognize naive to drug taking too. Like, you know, even you would say, you know, that person's on drugs. I'm not. I could say I'm not on drugs. Like, I'm really like, my reality is, like, I just paint my own reality because I've done that from a young child to make my life better.

:: 17:54:17

Unknown

Right? 100%. So yes, there's another podcast that's a whole podcast. Yeah. Like, false sense of reality. So since the reality, which I think comes with those ADHD symptoms too, like you're trying to create your own reality or distract yourself from reality because you're so unhappy inside. And I was just an angry kid, man. Like, I just wanted to smash everything.

:: 18:14:01

Unknown

Breakthrough. Like, we got friends and we'd be like, nine and ten, and I'd be like, let's smash all the windows at the back of the shopping center. I think I just wanted a hug, I wanted attention, I think, like I think that's what it is like I do. I genuinely think that, you know, you just wanted love and, you know, and we could, you know, I skipping a few things here, but I think like when we got into our relationship, which were gone too soon, like, yeah, you know, like once someone showed you true love is when you ultimately changed in life.

:: 18:41:13

Unknown

And all I got was punishment and all sorts of, like, my mum. She's her love. Language is definitely acts of service. Like she'll do anything for anyone. She's beautiful, hot and, but, she is, you know, her mum and dad. Different loving. You know, her dad was alcoholic. My parents drank a lot as well. They love to drink.

:: 19:02:24

Unknown

And, you know, it's like, What you want as a child is also, you don't really know because you just think you want to play toys and stay out late and eat shit food and blah, blah, blah. And then when you get older, you like, oh, your parents actually trying to help you. Which is why I respect my dad 100%, because, I think you get a lot of morals, like, you know, I fucking hate it as it's growing up, like rules and this and that, and then, you know, now you get it, now I get it.

:: 19:29:16

Unknown

And now I can now get a lot of my hard work ethics and stuff from my dad. And I remember when I used to get expelled or withdrawn from school, he'd make me go to work with him and I'll be there on, like, you know, school holidays. I had to go to work and I'm like, pushing boundaries. And and now I've got to look back now.

:: 19:44:22

Unknown

Appreciate it. Tell them what you did when you went to work on time with them on the lawn. Yeah, I like this. Dad's listening to this. This is probably not funny, but it's funny now, I guess. I went to work. My daddy. Orange landscaping business. Hot as work. had lots of, properties with real estate. Yeah, and high paying clients.

:: 20:04:03

Unknown

And he's one of his biggest clients. It's like a big, massive, massive set of flats. So, like, huge, he was a groundskeeper there, and he had, like, heaps of other contracts, and, he made me go around and spray all the weeds. I don't know whether I was expelled from school that day or school holidays or the weekend.

:: 20:23:07

Unknown

And mum had something on, I don't know, but I used to go to work, my dad very young, and, I had the poisoning. I'd say all these weeds in the cracks in the grass, you're going to spray all the weeds. And I went into the middle of the grass and. Right. See, you and t as big as I could.

:: 20:40:22

Unknown

And I thought nothing of it. And then, you know, I've had a, a few days later, my dad person way when the grass starts to die, my dad's like, get in the fucking car right now. And I was like, what? What? What have I done? What I've done? And he's like, you know, I'm like, I don't.

:: 20:57:19

Unknown

He drove me straight to the thing and I think we had to dig it out or something, but it was brown. It was all green and brown. See you in T. And he knew straight away I'd done that. And I was like, my thing is like, you look back to that child and it's like, maybe I wanted attention.

:: 21:14:06

Unknown

And that's the only way I knew how to get it was to do, I think then my parents would. I think you had to love your love. Your love identity was when you were bad. You felt love when you were insanely in trouble. Well, when you're doin the naughty shit, kids don't want to be in trouble, right? No, no.

:: 21:31:23

Unknown

And kids don't want to be out of control. Kids want to be regulated, safe. Kids just want to be loved. That's it. Yeah. So, you know, heard and seen for me, like, for me, I'm like, you know, I look back and I'm like, you know, I got a brand new car. I went to work with him. I drew an X with, with a knife.

:: 21:45:17

Unknown

Could you imagine if one of our sons did that, chaos and, logos all over the mask? Aphasia. Small shit. So I can't even imagine what I found myself. And this is like a massive. This is putting a mirror up, which we all have to do, which we do with rejection. We tell, we teach this, you know, we do things as human beings.

:: 22:04:19

Unknown

We hate being done others, or we get jealous about people that or things that we actually want or we like, or that person like they say, fuck, I'm fat or whatever. And you're like, you want to look like them. Like whatever psychological projection, right? Which is what we talk about time. so, yeah, you know, just just reaching out and wanting that love and just connection.

:: 22:24:03

Unknown

And I guess I got that through being a little shit. Hanna Rosin I continue that through life hanging out with kids, like I said, smashing windows at back at shopping centers, eventually getting in trouble. The place I remember being with my mate Steve, and we're at a bus stop and I just had a bus stop with a friend.

:: 22:38:13

Unknown

I started ripping all these bricks and all these, signs. It was letters of like the estate on the side of the road, and I'm just ripping these metal things out and throwing them. A cop car came around, stopped. I said, what are you doing? And I'm like, I must have been like, I don't know, like around 17 or something at the time.

:: 22:56:08

Unknown

And, there's chuck me in the back of the paddy wagon and I'm like, fucking just angry and shit. My, my friends at the bus stop, he's got weight on him. So he's like, fucking pissed off at me because he's like, you know, they left him there and he was freaking out. He's like, you're a fucking idiot. Like, you know?

:: 23:12:05

Unknown

And so my mom, they take me to my mum's work and my mum just said, just take him. Just take him to the police station. We've had enough. Like like we just can't handle him anymore. So and she's doing that out of love. Like she's hoping this is going to scare the shit out of them. So then he stops this, you know, and it's it's difficult like, you know, we've and I mean Harvey's just a little bit and he's amazing and he tries and he triggers.

:: 23:41:16

Unknown

Triggers you. Yeah. So where do you think like, you know, after you got off the medication and then, you know, you, you started hanging out with some people and then I started hanging out with people who wanted to break into schools and fucking steal and like, you know, we I stole a tractor one time and did some fucking stupid things with that.

:: 24:03:03

Unknown

So you just know this shit. I'm not going to say anything to him in the first podcast. Gets locked up. you know, just petty shit, really, you know? And when you think this leads you to, like, in a relationship, like, well, hanging out with, like, bad people and, like, scary people was like, I looked up to that, right?

:: 24:24:07

Unknown

Like, people were doing, like, the wrong thing. Like hanging on, getting away from nerds and being with people who wanted to break shit and shit. Also still and, you know, obviously made a friend that changed the path for me. He had really good, like, family structure and like, I hung out with him and got me away from the kind of place I was going.

:: 24:45:05

Unknown

His name was Lockie, and I reckon if I didn't me Lockie that I would definitely be in jail or fucking eventually got on drugs because of people I was hanging around. Then the day I met him, it was like I was actually hanging out with certain friends, met Lockie on a particular day, and we were both fighting with our friends who knew each other, and we said, fuck these guys, let's walk this way.

:: 25:06:11

Unknown

So we walked all the way and we these friends and yeah, we went out. And then, I went home and I woke at the door and let lock your eyes laughed about this, but I open the door like, hey, Mum and Dad, I'll get a new friend. His name's lucky. And my, my friend inviting like, come on, come on in.

:: 25:21:04

Unknown

Like we had a heated pool. Like we had a nice house. So like, you know, like he come in and like he ended up being. We're still mates today, you know? So like it's crazy. But he was the really good influence in your life. Yeah. And, and, you know, like, he was like, he had morals and he was like, I don't smash shit and I don't steal from the shop.

:: 25:38:22

Unknown

My dad will kick my. So that was like, really cool to say, even though I get my ass kicked as well. But I like, like, you know, but you're at a time in your life where you learn more from your peers now. No, that's right, you know, so I saw how your round spirit that I just especially as adults as well, you know, they gave him money.

:: 25:54:22

Unknown

He didn't have to he didn't have to say you didn't have to fucking like, you know, he didn't have to break shit. And like, he didn't like that lifestyle. So I was like, okay, this is cool. And his dad and family, like, you know, high up in what they do and, you know, there's like a whole nother world of people that I met that I'll get into later.

:: 26:14:04

Unknown

But, you know, I respected this. They sort of people. So moving, moving into that, hanging out with those sort of people, you know, I started hanging around people in gangs and black members, friends and family and stuff of sort of involved. I'm not directly involved. I'm not hanging out, riding with them, but I'm going to parties and I'm, I'm, I'm seeing a lot of this stuff and, you know, got into a relationship, with a girl I heard about.

:: 26:43:10

Unknown

Thanks for clarifying. That was a girl. Definitely girl, but, 18 years old. I reckon I associated sex with love for a little bit for a lot of a bit, so I think. Yeah. And for me, you know, sex was like. This was love that, made me feel wanted. And made me feel like, good and, like, up here, you know?

:: 27:11:16

Unknown

So I felt that from women. And then soon, as soon as sex came in, in my life, I was like, this is it. This is the missing piece. This is like love and like, you know, there was some addiction there. And, you know, then you start to get introduced to porn and toys. Which leads me to my later on life.

:: 27:30:02

Unknown

But, got me go with this girl. It was toxic from the get go. she was older than me. a lot of fun. So I'm like, okay, this is, you know, I'd only been with young girls, and she was she was an older girls. So I was like, this is, this is this is cool, you know?

:: 27:52:14

Unknown

Yeah, we're doing all the crazy things. And we got into that. And from the get go, it was toxic. Like there was lies from her. And, you know, I, I, I just wanted love. I wanted to settle down and have a family. And I don't think she was ready for that. And I do believe it was a trauma bond.

:: 28:10:08

Unknown

Definitely. didn't work that out for about ten years, so on and off. On and off. first two years were pretty solid. Then some shit went down and after that, we pretty much split. She got with someone else and had a baby, and then I didn't see her for like two years. And then she come back into my life fully pregnant.

:: 28:31:24

Unknown

And I was miserable. I was miserable for two years. I'll be honest. I was having sex. Always drinking, always partying, always traveling. I was hanging out with all sorts of different people, gang members, so unhappy and unhappy. And then I got into, you know, I grew up really doing labor work, hard work, because that's all I knew.

:: 28:53:22

Unknown

And then, after that, I'd got into, you know, a friend was opening up, like, strippers and had strippers, and then he wanted to compliment this adult show, and he was fighting with the chick. So I went in there, took everything off the wall, was like, did it roll my ADHD hyperfocus? I set up the I don't show up.

:: 29:13:02

Unknown

I helped him and I felt proud of that. And I felt really proud being an adult show. And I grew that. I don't show up on social media. I was really good at the marketing. I was in all these social media pages that were like local areas. It was, yeah, I don't shop in Ellenbrook. A lot of people know me for that.

:: 29:27:21

Unknown

I was on Snapchat heavily back then like crazy shit naked girls. I don't toys everywhere. Suction cups, you know, throwing them at the wall had a lot of height, a lot of love, a lot of like, fuck yeah. But a lot of people, like, would say, you know, boy, does whatever fuck you wants. He doesn't care about food judgment.

:: 29:46:08

Unknown

But I was actually the opposite. I know I actually heavily care what people think about me, and I threw myself in these situations. And I've always found that so crazy because I have. Because what I write can't in the grass. Yeah, same thing I want. I wanted the villain style attention exactly like Jake Paul. So then hide it.

:: 30:01:24

Unknown

And anxiety and extreme anxiety and it's crazy for me because for me, like I'll do anything to not put myself in situations. I don't get anxiety. I literally place yourself in the fucking center of. And then I still still up until recently, I've encountered things where you're like, you could have completely fucking avoided that and almost prevented this is the difference between you and me.

:: 30:21:17

Unknown

Yeah. Your mental. I'm like, I deal with that later. Yeah. You're like, oh shit, we're in the shit right now. I'm like, okay, boy, you can learn some lessons and I'm fucking sick of learning lessons with you. There is there's some pros and cons in business to the way I throw myself out there. Definitely. you know, I've got videos now with 90 million views, with a lot of hate on there and shit like that, which is kind of my life and a little love.

:: 30:42:12

Unknown

Oh, of course you don't want hide in love, you know. Definitely. So, you know, and like I said, I was going into Jake Paul said not long ago, he's like, I was the villain. So I just played that villain. I was good at being the villain. I wanted the world to hate me. And my views grew, even though the whole like you go into Jake Paul and Logan Paul's page right now, it's like fucking idiots fucking die.

:: 31:00:18

Unknown

It's crazy. Like the height is insane. And I'm like, you don't even know these people to to be to be like, honest. Like, you know, I have gone through some shit with myself and things have happened even in that business. And I'll go on their page just to be like, I want to feel a little bit better about like what I'm going through right now.

:: 31:14:24

Unknown

I'm going to go on the page and be like, okay, cool. We're all on the same fucking selfish and you're only human beings and, you know, tick tock. And that that vacuum is like, for me, I'm like, it's crazy. The other humans can go on a page of people that they don't know. Like, these people are like sons.

:: 31:28:04

Unknown

They might be dads, you know, like it's just crazy for me, Jake Paul said as well. And a lot of guys like you know that they're successful later on. I think they're still human. I still go through things like, you know, human beings. What should I documentary? They have their fucking internet. People like social media desensitizes and gives people like a right to fucking text and comment on stuff and on my brain, like, how do you do that?

:: 31:50:09

Unknown

Really? It's really opened me up to when people come to me because those people are actually unhappy, and usually those people are doing nothing with their lives as well. They're not successful people. Oh, it's success. I said all the time, successful, happy people are not bring you down. Well, they are too busy doing their own thing and connecting.

:: 32:05:21

Unknown

I want to bring this bring people to the top. There's no musician out there that is selling platinum records that is giving someone shit for trying to play guitar. There's no there's no race car driver. That's the top of their field. Formula one, who's giving a young kid a hard time for trying to get into racing 100%. They.

:: 32:24:23

Unknown

So it's always those people that are doing nothing. And we are going to do a podcast on going viral and how we grow our social media, which a lot of people ask us. But yeah, back to where were we? just talking about you and your life and six shops and yes. So in the sex shop function, I got to a point where I was on and off in this toxic relationship, and I wanted it to work.

:: 32:45:17

Unknown

I did like we were on and off. Now, at the end of months on, months off, we got back together. After she was pregnant. I took on the child like asthma on, I think as a way to really get her stuck with me because I was narcissistic, I was toxic, I was angry, I was jealous, I was fucking so insecure.

:: 33:04:03

Unknown

But can we just say one thing on that? That you were an amazing stepdad to that child? Of course. And she knows that. And for me, like, you know, I was friends with Boyd for seven years, you know, and I used to look at your Snapchats and your social media and you're like, wow, like how amazing. Like the things you were doing for for that little boy.

:: 33:24:04

Unknown

And that's the reason why I'm such a good dad. You are an amazing. You're such a good job. Amazing. Needed a little me to love. because at that time, you know, my my ex would never bag any of that stuff that. Yes, the ADHD symptoms, the anger, the fucking, the toxic. Not knowing who you were, really, but seeing things did.

:: 33:42:17

Unknown

I'm not I'm not going to bag anyone out in this. I did wrong and she wasn't perfect and whatever. But we've grown a lot since then and I'm happily open speaking about that. But, you know, you got to move through and look back at things. If I never went through that relationship with her, I would not be who I am now.

:: 33:57:15

Unknown

And I can remember being in a lot of people going to resonate with this. I remember being like freshly broken up or fighting with her or whatever and being in a, you know, you go out to a pub, you feel sick when you see someone who looks like her, or someone says a name and your gut drops in your heart, races your whole night, it's ruined.

:: 34:15:00

Unknown

Or she texted you some shit, she's found out about you or wants to fight or, you know, wants you back or send you a photo of the kid or the dogs or whatever. And and you got these. So these mixed feelings and like I said, in our online program, we work with so many people going through divorces, I'm talking like 30, 48 divorces, not two years, not six years, but, you know, and it's all about getting back on your feet.

:: 34:35:17

Unknown

And and it's hot. It's one of the hottest I reckon is one of the biggest challenges I went through was going through a breakup, a really toxic breakup. It that makes it worse. And there's so much love and hate, you know. And the one thing that really got me through that was journaling my thoughts. I'm pretty sure I was still writing in that when I were, when I first got together with you.

:: 34:57:05

Unknown

And I truly believe and that's why I say like, you know, there was so much anger and hating me. Like I wanted to hurt people. And I like the old me, the walking hates the world and wants to do destructive things. But, you know, when I wrote all that down on paper, I felt like it left me.

:: 35:13:06

Unknown

And, I wrote this whole thing and edit it and like, some of it would be about me. Like, I'm feeling this, and I'm feeling that writing down on my shit. And this is way before I got into breathwork or like mindfulness and no one had taught me, they say the it's just what I thought I needed. And now I get someone coming to me, the same shit.

:: 35:28:11

Unknown

I'm like, bro, I've been there. I said, before, you kill anyone, before you killing yourself, before you fucking do something stupid and telling you don't mean that you're going to feel guilt and shame and feel like the world hates you. Write it all down, man. If you and sit with it, you know, and like, it's so crazy, writing all that down.

:: 35:47:18

Unknown

Like how different the days would change. So you wake up hating it, it's fuck you, you fucking idiot. You did that. You did that, and you try, you know, fucking. You want to like, put like, blame and blame and blame. Then the next day, like, I'm sorry, you know, I wasn't perfect. Like, oh, I'm fucking. I want to make it right I love you seven stages.

:: 36:05:09

Unknown

Yeah. It's it's insane. And and you just got to let all those emotions right. And feel them. Feel the hate, feel the feel of the forgiveness. And that's what's also really good to journal this because, you know, I said like, stays there or lashing out of sending a text message like, fuck you, blah blah. I always say like that emotion is going to pass.

:: 36:23:05

Unknown

I used to do it just to put Capslock on. Oh, I message I've been hit with as a friend. As a friend, I used to get this stuff and I'm like, who the fuck do you think you are? Like, who do you think you are talking like that? You know, and the entitlement. Right. So, so just it was just emotions.

:: 36:39:03

Unknown

It was anger. So then moving through, you know, we've got this child and this, that I loved. And she knew that we had a great relationship and she had to make a decision to cut us completely off, which happened. And I was working away. Wife. no, I wasn't I was, then I was sorry. but the I don't shop was before that.

:: 37:02:00

Unknown

So in between that, you know, you've got this toxic on and off relationship for roughly nine years. I left the adult shop. Really? Because I was sick about being around the sex. I want an actual connection. I. I started jumping on Tinder, and I wanted to go for actual dates. I wanted a friend. I wanted to check where I could take out and laugh and pay for a meal, which I'd never really done.

:: 37:23:12

Unknown

It was all about just sex for me, right?

:: 37:25:19

Unknown

you know, leaving leaving the adult short and all that sort of stuff. I said, I don't want to do this anymore.

:: 37:32:05

Unknown

And me and my friend had a bit of a fight that was in the adult shop with, and I was like, you know, I was doing 12 hour days there, and I loved it, like it gave me freedom. And, you know, it was really cool. But, I wanted to work away in the mind's eye. That was the end game for me.

:: 37:47:06

Unknown

So I went away working on the minds. And then, I mean, the ex had completely split. I didn't sleep for like weeks at an eight. The anxiety was so crazy, like in, you know, you don't realize it's so crazy the how the the body doesn't know what to like goes for them. Then nobody listens to the notes and the emotion rather than the like.

:: 38:07:15

Unknown

You can have ten frenzy down and go, this is what you need to do and what about this, this and this and your emotions will tell you a different thing. Not fucking this and that. And how many times have you had a conversation with, like, people in your family or someone who's in a situation where it's like, you need to get away from this or you need to leave that job, man, your boss is shit to you, or you need to fucking get in your car.

:: 38:28:00

Unknown

It keeps breaking down, but emotion just stays in this toxicity because and what we always say and our in our events is that people would rather sit in the comfortability of hell than uncomfortable heaven. When. What does that mean to you? Yeah, not I get it, I mean it. Well, it means that you would rather sit in saying that you used to, even though it fucking sucks.

:: 38:51:02

Unknown

The job sucks. The money shit. The relationship shit. There's fucking toxic. You rather sit in that because it's comfortable to you. It's what, you know, especially like diva as well, right? You see a lot of these, women that their parents are in diva, and they go in a diva because that's comfortable to them. It's what they used to.

:: 39:07:03

Unknown

And you find yourself, you don't, you don't want to, but you say that. And then in two you get out. And I remember writing a song, I write music, I skip that part, but I this is going to be very like, this is podcast. But, I, I used to write music and I was signed to a studio and stuff when I was younger, so I, I wrote a song once saying, you know, everyone says you don't know what you've got till it's gone.

:: 39:31:21

Unknown

I say, you don't know how stuck you are until your undone. And it's so true. Once you get out of something and you look back and I look back at my thing and I go, why do we put ourselves through nearly nine years of this shit? And I was controlling on I was on Cecil and I'm a force a lot, but but why do I do that to myself?

:: 39:46:13

Unknown

Which brings me into my next part of this. Moving away from all of that and creating the life that I have now with you. And we're not perfect, and we've got at shit, which we will talk about on this podcast, but for me, I want it to be better because I met you and you gave me unconditional love, which I appreciate and I'm so grateful.

:: 40:07:22

Unknown

So thank you. But, you know, you know, for me, I'm like, I found a woman. And like when I my ADHD symptoms come out, I used ADHD as a cop out my whole life. Oh, I've got ADHD. Well, I got this. I can't control my life. I could do that shit with me. No, but I got told my whole life I couldn't control my behavior.

:: 40:23:03

Unknown

I remember doctors saying, I'm in my mum's now. He can't control his behavior. He needs medication. So, so deep down in my unconscious mind, I believe that I'm not in control. Yeah. Which is still I'm working on now with certain things that happen. So then if we go back to the original question like who are you? Like, have you do you think like who is part I'm telling my story to what?

:: 40:43:07

Unknown

Like, who are you? How am I now? Yeah. Like, how do you think about breathwork guru? And I told you I'm still working that out. And it's a constantly me trying to work out who I am. Away now from breathwork. Who am I away from? You know, when I being a partner, being a partner, being a dad, like, you know, and I do have a lot of imposter syndrome.

:: 41:06:17

Unknown

I remember standing on stage in front of hundreds of people, and people are like, oh, you know, you're this person. I'm not. I don't feel like that. Like our friend and business coach, Tim. Tim always says, like, you know, when he goes into the gym and he was started being a pay people like, hey, there's my personal trainer.

:: 41:21:12

Unknown

And he's like, oh, no, you know, when you become a boss and someone goes, hey, is it my boss? And it feels icky, I don't I don't like him to think that I'm a coach, you know, like, I, I'm more want to be like a, a mentor or inspirational person because I feel like we all, are in coaches.

:: 41:34:22

Unknown

Yeah. We just we've got kind of us. We just got, you know, impact. Impact ladies. Like, I just want to impact your life. That's that's my ultimate goal. I'm just me. I don't, and I think who I am, I will constantly change. And I don't like to word it like I'm not a breath worker. I'm not a bricklayer.

:: 41:49:01

Unknown

I'm not a parent. I'm not a gardener. I'm not a cleaner. Like you're not doing both things. And when we do meditation, we say, let go of your sex, let go of your name, let go of fucking, you know, your career title. Like, who are you behind. Behind all of that? Like, what lights you up? What makes you happy?

:: 42:05:09

Unknown

Really passionate about. So yeah. Like. Yeah. So I went through that relationship, got with you, and then I wanted to do better. so for me, I wanted to shop for you, and I wanted to be the ultimate partner. And I would work through a lot of stuff, but, you know, you said to me one time I had a big tantrum and some ADHD symptoms, and my.

:: 42:24:17

Unknown

And you looked me in your eyes, and you said, this isn't directed at me. And I was really confused. I was like, what do you mean? You got this direct to the ex or your mum or something deeper than me? And I'm like, oh fuck you, whatever. And I walked off and then I'm like, she's right. She don't deserve that.

:: 42:37:07

Unknown

She's done nothing but love me. She's done nothing but show up for me. Why am I like this? So I went back and I said, all right, I need help. I knew it, I knew, I knew I needed help, I didn't know what that looked like. And I'm like, I just need something. So I'm like, fuck it up like a psychologist appointment.

:: 42:50:06

Unknown

I'll fix me. So book that went trauma dumped and over shared for probably about an hour. And then next I got an email saying, hey, we're not the right fit for you. You can't come back here. You you have to find someone else. So for me, I was sitting across from like an older lady who I wouldn't resonate with at all, who probably, you know, if we met in the street, we'd have nothing in common at all.

:: 43:12:18

Unknown

Or any sort of rigid conversation. And I was like, okay, fuck, I lost it off. Trauma response. So I had a fucking psychologist. Couldn't handle me. I'm way too much. Couldn't handle me. And then I'm what is that laughing. And I said to you, I sit beside you I sit and how does it actually make you feel? It hurt.

:: 43:32:06

Unknown

I felt like I was unfixable. I felt like no one understood me, which is I've always felt especially with ADHD. I wasn't understood and, you know, I felt like, here we go again. This, you know, I tried psychology for the first time as an adult and got rejected. Right. And that and then you had abandonment issues come up and and and it's just like, oh, well, fuck it.

:: 43:52:12

Unknown

And then my mates are doing breathwork and all that while I do breathwork, you know, I thought it was cool. The guys were tatted up and like, you know, I was like, whatever, let's do this. And then, I went to breathwork and that was just like a peak pivotal moment in my life, learning to just breathe and then feeling sorry.

:: 44:10:19

Unknown

Still uncomfortable. Remember the day you came home? feeling the anxiety laid the body straight away. I was like, what the fuck? And then so for me doing Breakthrough Breathwork, we had a lot of people see our videos of people crying and screaming and all that. So stuff, we did that and I was fucking crying and all this shit's coming off and we set off and we journaled and I actually went there.

:: 44:29:11

Unknown

Probably didn't tell you this at the time. But I went to that session to forgive my ex for hurting me, for fucking making my life miserable for this and that and that. And I got out of there and wrote down. I forgive myself. It's got nothing to do with her. I don't know. It's all my own shit. And I took a kind of responsibility for my life and my actions, and therefore I think, like I let go of ADHD, I let go of all this like, outside shit controlling me.

:: 44:54:20

Unknown

Other people like me, this person cut me off in the car. That their piece of shit, they ruined my day. Yeah, the light went red. Always light because of the red light like that. Constant blaming the world, right? No control over your life.